Fattitude

A year and 20 days ago...

2011-01-23T22:48:00.004-05:00

I was unhappy.
I was lonely.
I was miserable.
I was lost.
I was unhealthy.
And worst of all, I wasn't proud of who I was.

On January 3rd 2010, I set out to change all of that with a weight-loss challenge and goal. Then, it seemed that success was only measured by the number of pounds lost. But now, I realize that success is measured by much, much, more than just that.

I now know that success is measured by
taking chances,
having faith,
trusting yourself,
dreaming big,
staying true to who you are,
loving yourself and others,
defending what you believe in,
and accepting yourself for exactly who you are.

A year and 20 days ago, I didn't do these things. But today is different.

Throughout this past year so much of me has changed.
I challenged myself.
I took giant leaps of faith.
I went outside of my comfort zone.
I improved my health and overall quality of life.
I got honest with myself and others about my dreams.
I followed my dreams.
I found happiness.
I found confidence.
I found love.
I found acceptance.
I found me.

A year and 20 days ago I was a sad and lonely girl drifting through life wondering when I would feel alive again. Hoping and praying that my life would stop passing me by. In so many ways, I was lost.

Today, I have more happiness and joy in my life than I could have ever imagined. I love what I do. I find peace in the little things. I take better care of myself. I smile more often. I laugh more often. I love people more freely. I take pride in my accomplishments. I the person I once was. I look forward to my future. I fight for my dreams harder than I ever thought possible. I accept who am and who I'm becoming...and I love who I'm becoming.

Although I may not have reached my weight-loss goal within the year...I did not fail. I accomplished so much more than I could have ever imagined a year ago. This will not defeat me. I will not give up. And some day...near or far...I WILL reach my goal. Until then, I'll keep plugging away, staying positive, enjoying life, loving myself and others, accepting who I am THAT day...and not keep waiting around for tomorrow.

Today, I'll smile.

6lb loss!!! :)

2010-11-09T10:24:00.008-05:00

OH MY GOODNESS!!! What a hectic time it has been! But, I LOST 6 LBS since I last weighed in!!!! :) I'm now down to 226 lbs :)

For starters, I'm sorry I haven't blogged since the end of October. I just had sooooo much going on in the past couple of weeks.

First, it was Halloween!!! There was a lot going on and let's face it...no one can resist dressing up and going out with friends :)
I have to say, I enjoyed this Halloween much more than I enjoyed my last Halloween. I weigh at least 30 lbs less than I did last year. Now, we all know that as a young college girl, Halloween is the one holiday a year where she can dress up promiscuously and no one can say anything about it haha. BUT...as a fat girl...no one wants to see that! AND, last year was the first Halloween ever that I didn't fit in any of the sexy costumes...(you know...the ones you buy in those bags at empty warehouses) not even the plus sized ones. HOW DEPRESSING! So, I had to be something funny instead. This was me last Halloween...

I was "1st runner up"...get it?? I didn't win, so I'm crying. hahaha! Anyway, I was HUGE!

But now, here I am THIS Halloween :) A "sexy" nurse...

I'm wearing my boyfriend's jacket which is big on me so you can't really see my arms, but I can see a difference in my face.

Here's one without the jacket...

Now, of course there is definitely some rippling on the zipper part of my stomach, and it's not a flattering pic...but...SURPRISE!!!! this was my Halloween costume from my freshman year of college when I weighed 190-200 lbs. So, just the fact that I was able to get it ON and look SOMEWHAT normal is a huge step. :)

I was telling a funny story in this next picture...it makes me laugh

ANYWAYYYY...whether my body looks different or not, I felt a million times better about myself this Halloween than I did last Halloween. And in my opinion, that's a bigger success than ANY weight loss.

After Halloween, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday on the 1st and then on the 3rd was my 21ST BIRTHDAY!!!! YAYYYYY it was such a fun time :) but VERY hectic. I had family in on the 2nd and they stayed until the 7th. We went out to bars every night except for one. So, then as deserved, yesterday I crashed and got a bit of a cold. (hence the no blogging as of late.) But I feel MUCH BETTER today! Here's a pic of me on the night of my 21st!!!! I think I look very pretty! (words that never would have come out of my mouth a year ago) :P

All in all, LOTS happened. BUT with a 6 lb loss, I can't complain :) EXPRESS jeans, here I come!

did I really break even??

2010-10-27T03:53:00.003-04:00

Well, as promised, I weighed myself...and I can't report good news, or terrible news for that matter. I weigh 232 even. No gain. No loss.
I'm not sure whether or not this is a good thing considering how horribly I had been doing. But I know it's a bad thing considering I had gotten down to about 220 in the middle of the summer.
Anyway, good bad or ugly, it is what it is. Time to move forward and start losing again. I've decided to start weighing in every other day from now on. Weekly weigh-ins give me too much freedom throughout the week and I tend to get off track. Of course, I will be expecting much more fluctuation in numbers...but at the very least this will keep me focused.

Until next time...

falling off the wagon really sucks! ...but I'm back

2010-10-25T23:30:00.009-04:00

Hey everyone...

Looks like I have some explaining to do...

Well, if you haven't already guessed it, I got off track :(

Where to begin? Where to begin?
Ok, well let's just jump right in. Recently, I have been going through A TON of changes. and when I say a ton...I mean A TON! For starters, I am no longer going to school at Penn State. Why? Well, if I'm being completely honest with myself, and all of you...I wasn't happy. Don't get me wrong, Penn State is a fantastic school, and I could never say anything bad about it, but I just didn't feel like I was finding my passion. I felt like I was going through the motions day in and day out and my grades were reflecting it. On top of which, financially it was an uphill battle that I was tired of fighting. Everyday there was a new problem with my financial aid, student loans, grades, mood, etc. It was completely tearing me apart with stress and I just couldn't handle much more. Now, I know the difference a degree makes in life, but right now I'm exploring other options. Which leads me to the next big change. I have always LOVED doing hair and makeup. Whether it's my own, or someone else's, I love it. So, I considered getting my degree in cosmetology, and I found a really good school that offers it. Currently I am in the process of withdrawing from Penn State and enrolling in the cosmetology school, so, that's all very stressful since it is a huge risk and big change. But overall, I think I will be much happier doing something I love. Then after I'm done with that, I'll consider finishing up my degree at Penn State. The next big change is my boyfriend situation... :) Yes, the boy I told all of you about this summer...that's the one :) For starters, he's fantastic. He is sooooo great to me and so supportive. I never in a million years thought that I would find someone who treated me the way he does. And let's face it, after that horrifying experience I had with that one guy I went on a date with who told me the only reason he didn't like me was because of my weight, I never thought anyone could like me for me since I'm a heavy girl. But, he does. He tells me I'm beautiful alllllll the time... He never puts me down. He does anything and everything for me. And he makes me feel alive. Recently, he moved in with me. We didn't want to live six hours from each other, we love each other's company, and financially it made sense to split one rent rather than having two separate ones. The other big change is my health...recently I've had a lot of things happen. About a month and a half ago, I got really really sick and I was basically on bed rest for about 3 weeks. I had ulcers on my throat, a sinus infection, and strep throat all at the same time. A few days after I found all of this out, I woke up with extreme abdominal pain and was rushed to the hospital by ambulance in the middle of the night. I was diagnosed with two ovarian cysts. For those of you who don't know, they're pretty common but EXTREMELY painful! Because of which, I've been in a lot of pain over the last month. And currently, things have been progressively getting worse. So, it's been stressful to say the least.

ANYWAY...now that I've updated everything, it's led me to this...my weight. Because of all of these changes in the last few months, I've been facing a lot of inconsistency. As a result, I've gotten off track with weight loss. I know it' not an excuse and I wish I could report better news, but I can't or else I'd be lying. So, if I'm honest with myself I think I really need this blog to keep on track, and not having access to it this summer really threw me off. Almost like a little kid only behaving when their parent is around...at first it's fun for the kid to mis-behave and see what they can get away with, but eventually, without the necessary supervision, the kid gets them self into some real trouble...and that's what happened with me. And I think another part of me feels ashamed that I got off track so I kept waiting and waiting for things to get better before blogging so that I could report good news, but the longer I waited, the worse things got. But, tonight I just had to pull off the band-aid, face my fears, "tell on myself" and stop this madness before I got too far out of control.

So here goes...off comes the band-aid with a progress pic...
this is me right now...

YUCKYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway...there it is...sucky and blunt, but honest.

Tune in tomorrow for my first official "re" weigh-in. I would do it tonight, but I hate weighing myself at night, I always seem heavier...I always do it first thing in the morning...and to be honest, I'm expecting a gain, and I'm not brave enough to see it yet. but tomorrow, brave enough or not...I will post it. I have to.

Sorry not to report better news. Sorry to have let you guys (and myself) down...but with your help and support, I know I can do this...again.

This song seems to explain how I feel right now... enjoy

Until tomorrow....good night everyone!

Where I've been:

2010-07-13T13:59:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone!!! It's been forever since I've been able to get on here. OHHH so much to tell. Work has been going very well. I'm just really super busy. Makin lots of moneyyyy :) I've been doing well with my dieting but over the past two weeks I've been slacking and going out to eat a lot. Wanna know why?? I met someone!!! He's soooo nice and I'm really excited to see where things go but this whole taking me out for dinner/lunch thing has got to stop! haha. Anyway, I told him about my weight loss progress and goals and he's supportive so that's a huge bonus! I really really like him and I'm meeting his family this Saturday. *nervous* :/ but it should be fun! Also, i posted on twitter a while ago about my shopping success. but for those of you who don't know...here goes: Last summer at Old Navy, I had to buy all XXL clothes. This summer I'm buying all Larges and some of them are even big on me!!!! HELLLLLL YEAHHHHHH. I'll post pictures as sooooon as I can. Promise!! So that's basically all. I've just been super busy with work and in my free time I'm either with him, my friends, doing laundry, running errands, or sleeping! haha. So, just a quick update but I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm still alive and well. I miss talking to all of you and I hope you're all still doing well and keeping healthy!!! Until next time...MISS YOU ALL!!!!!

Updates

2010-05-27T15:37:00.003-04:00

So...lots to tell. I haven't been doing very well with workng out, but I am constantly on my feet, moving around, working, or doing something like going to the park for the day or something like that. So, I've still been active. Good news is I am losing weight...I can tell. I look so much smaller already. Bad news is I don't know how much weight because I forgot my scale at home. Anddd I can't upload pics from my phone so I can't show you guys. But I am smaller. A lot smaller :) Also, I've met not one, but TWO boys who are interested :) playerrrrrr... Hah jk. But really.. Lol. Annnndddd. I fit on ALL of the rides. Hell yeah!!! So, yeah, lots of updates. I'm so sorry I haven't been around much lately but I've been so busy and have very limited Internet access. Hope all of you are doing well. You are still all in my thoughts and helping to motivate me. Keep it up everyone!!! Miss you all!!!

My own personal adventure-land

2010-05-18T22:36:00.003-04:00

Hey guys! First update of the season! All in all things are going great. I love my roommates. I have air conditioning in my room so I'm not sweating my fat ass off. I get to enjoy all of the attractions of the park for free in my off time. All of my coworkers are super friendly ... And I'm not the fattest one here! (I know that sounds awful, but realistically it makes you feel less uncomfortable if you know that not everyone is super model skinny...except you...ya feel me? Haha). Annnnnd, I have exciting news... Last summer, I was wayyyy too heavy to fit on The millenium force roller coaster. This summer, I fit! Yeah, that's right, let me say it again... last summer I didn't fit (at all...not even close) but this summer I did!!! And I had tons of fun on it :) hopefully I fit on everything. We shall see as time goes on when I have more time to walk around the park ;)

Ok, time for bed. It's been a long day and I have plenty more long days ahead of me this summer. So, time to rest up. Night all. Think healthy thoughts! :)

On the road

2010-05-17T10:00:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone!

So...I didn't get a chance to make a vlog or take any makeover pics. I'm sorry. I will do that when I get a chance at some point this summer or at the end of the summer. Again, I'm sorry.

As we speak I'm in the car on the way to the park for the summer. Uploading this from my NEW iPhone!!!!! Yayyy! Now I can post anytime. I'm still figuring it all out but hopefully I can upload pics as well. We shall see.

So, that's all for now. Talk to you all soon!

I've been MIA = huge update :)

2010-05-15T03:11:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone!

I'm sooooo sorry that I've been missing for the past week. I've been crazy busy with getting everything in order for this summer and on top of all of that, I have A LOT going on with my family! I've been back and forth to see my family for mother's day and then for my grandfather's birthday. On the days I wasn't traveling to see family, my mother and I have been running errands trying to get everything done before I move for the summer. Also, tomorrow, my little sister has her dance recital and then I'm leaving straight from there with the rest of my family to head to State College to see my cousin's college graduation on Sunday. Then, I'll be home and packing for the night which I'll then be leaving fist thing Monday morning to head to Cedar Point for the rest of my summer. As you can see, I've been BUSY BUSY BUSY!

BUT...

I do have lots of updates! :)

Number 1: weigh-in? I've been really stressed and very busy and I haven't been able to stick to my diet or exercise routine. So...NSV for me. I didn't gain. I didn't lose. But, given this week's hectic-ness, I'll take it. So, I'm still weighing in at 232 lbs.

Number 2: blogging for the summer? Sort of. I did find out that I will have Internet access in the rec hall at the park. So, I can use those computers to update you guys every now and then. THANK GOD! :) But...I can't promise that I'll be able to upload pictures or videos. So...I guess I'll be kinda "half blogging". I won't be able to update as much as I have been in the past, but when I do have the time, I'll fill you guys in. :)

Number 3: oh my blog response? I didn't forget. I just haven't had the time to do it yet. But I will before I leave. Probably Sunday night.

Number 4: makeover pictures? Again, I didn't forget, just haven't had the time. Expect to see them Sunday as well.

Number 5: summer goals? Inspired by Anthony's schedule, I decided it would be a good idea for me to have some solid (and realistic) goals for the summer...to keep me in check with my progress since blogging may be put on hold from time to time. Here they are:
*run 2 miles at least 4 times a week.
*do a Tabata workout (as a warm up) before every run.
*do 50 pushups every other day.
*eat as close to 1400 cal/day as possible.
*weigh 200 lbs by the end of the summer!!! :)

Number 6: THANK YOU? Yes...thank you to all of you who have been showing me such overwhelming support along my journey. It really is appreciated more than you know! If I haven't been around much to cheer you on or comment on your blogs, I apologize. I have just been so busy and I was having a hard time keeping up with everything. But, from me to all of you: THANK YOU...KEEP IT UP...I BELIEVE IN YOU...YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Ok, everyone. That's all for tonight. Tune in Sunday night for my final post before I leave into the unknown :) Think healthy thoughts!!

I may have to leave blogging :( ...and other stuff

2010-05-09T06:04:00.010-04:00

Hey everyone! I may or may not have some bad news to report. For those of you who don't know, in a week I am going to be leaving to work and live at Cedar Point for the summer. I'm going to be working at Famous Dave's which is a restaurant right outside of the park in the marina. I'm looking forward to it but I'll be living in the employee housing since my family lives so far away from the park. So, basically I'm going to be living in a dorm room for the summer.. yes, I'll have roommates *sigh*. BUT I think it will be fun because rent is super cheap and I'll be living with all kinds of people my age and our only responsibility is to go to work and other than that, we'll be living at an amusement park along Lake Erie. Can't really beat that as far as summer jobs go right?? :) Anyway, I'm really excited to go but I may not be able to take my laptop with me...which means no blogging. AHHHH. That's a really scary thought for me right now. You would not believe how much all of your support has helped me get this far. You guys encourage me, you support me, you make me laugh and sometimes cry, you understand the struggle and can relate, you offer tips and new ideas, you keep me accountable, you keep me honest, and you keep me sane in this crazy struggle to lose weight. I don't want to miss out on any of that, but I may have to for a few months. I don't move in for another week, and I'll know more of what's going on in a few days, but until then, this is just a heads-up that I may be out of touch.

Luckily, no matter what happens with my computer, I will have my phone.
So, for those of you who have twitter, I can keep in touch that way...FOLLOW ME if you aren't following already :)
And if you really feel like you can't live without me...(sarcasm--haha)...ask me for my email address and we can keep in touch and encourage each other that way if you'd like? ...I'd like :)

I promise to let you all know as soon as I find out what's going on, but this is just a fore-warning. AND PLEASE DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME IF I DO HAVE TO LEAVE FOR A WHILE :) ...even if I am out of touch, you will all be in my thoughts, and I will still be keeping up with my health goals, and sending encouraging thoughts your way...computer, or no computer :)

But....aside from all of that disappointment, I do have some really fun news.

Before the end of the semester, my friends and I did a bit of drinking after finals were over. We had earned the break :) So, anyway, my best friend, who is tiny SKINNY, and who I hadn't seen for a few weeks, came over and immediately told me that I looked a lot thinner. I said "really?" and she said "OH YEAH, it's really noticeable". That was awesome to hear :) Anyway, after about a half hour we went and grabbed dinner. I got a turkey wrap and fruit and she got a burger and fries. It was so hard to pass that up, but I did, and she praised me for my will power. Felt good. ALSO, while we were standing in line, she told me that my legs looked unbelievably smaller and that my ass looked good. (yes, we have that type of friendship where we can say those things to each other and it not be weird lol) I was like "oh, I still think my ass is huge" and she was like, "no, it has a nice shape now" and then made a hand gesture of the curvature and perkiness of it haha. Made me feel really good. I never thought my butt would ever be given a compliment this early on haha. But regardless, I'll take it. Here's a pic of me standing next to her from that same night (I may or may not have underestimated how see through the top of my shirt was...yes my bright pink bra is showing, making an appearance for its 15 minutes of fame...not the point...moving on haha) Anyway, as you can see, she's very, very thin and has a killer body, so getting a compliment from her really meant something to me.

Also...for those of you who weren't aware, I just moved out of my apartment at college for the summer and I'm spending my week of limbo between school and work at my mother's. So, all of my stuff is still packed, and most of it is going to stay that way since I'm moving again in a week. So...like an idiot who never plans ahead...all of my clothes are packed. (I'll make my way at getting to them today) but in the mean time, that means I have very limited amounts of clothing left in my old bedroom. Aside from that, today I was freezing like all day...I noticed that my little sister (who is 9) had her cheer leading sweatshirt hanging up on the coat tree in the hallway so I figured, what the hell, I'm cold, it's worth trying on. Assuming that it would be entirely too small and it wouldn't even pull down over my stomach, I tried anyway...and was surprised to find out that it did indeed pull down over me. Now, of course it was big on her to begin with, but it's an adult sized MEDIUM sweater. And it fit. A little snug and short...but it fit! Take a look...

excuse the mess, but I'm in my little sister's room and she's not exactly at the age where she helps my mom by keeping her room clean lol. So, yea. Small, but I'm still wearing it :)

Also, we went out to dinner for mother's day last night instead of today. (my parents like to beat the rush - haha) ((And HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all of you moms out there!!!!)) We went to Quaker Steak and Lube. For those of you who know what this is...you'll know how hard it is to order anything healthy there. It's a wing joint. loaded fries. onion rings. all you can eat wings in any flavor imaginable. gallons of beer. heaping desserts... You get the point. It's a struggle to pass it all up. But I did. I got grilled boneless chicken and toasted pita slices. The menu said it was a healthy option...one of only TWO healthy options on the entire menu!!! Sheesh. It was torture looking at it all...but somehow, I survived -- barely haha. So, I was proud of myself for that :) Annnnd when we were walking into the place, my mom told me my hips were no longer merging with my ass. That I actually had separate hips and ass now...that they were no longer one. I'll take it as a compliment at this point. Lately my butt has been getting lots of comments haha. The topic of conversation per say. I'll take it ;)

AS FOR MY WEIGH-IN -- I didn't forget. But my scale is still packed, so I will have to rummage through all of my shit to find it today and then I'll probably be weighing in tomorrow. (a day late - I'm sorry) But, it will be done, and I'll also be posting my makeover pictures (inspired by Seth) then as well.

Ok, so...catch you guys tomorrow. And I'll keep you all updated with my expectations for the summer as soon as I know more. Remember to follow me on Twitter and request my email if you'd like to stay in touch if I am going to be without a laptop this summer. Have a good one! Think healthy thoughts! :)

a few things:

2010-05-06T23:59:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone! I'm busy, busy, busy! Tomorrow is moving day so I've been packing and finishing up with finals. I'm so excited to be done with this semester and to start working this summer. But, I still have lots to pack around the apartment before my family gets here tomorrow so this is going to be a short post tonight.

For the OH MY BLOG award I received, I did hold up my end of the bargain and recorded my drunken vlog for 20 minutes (in collaboration with two of my beautiful roomies) last night, but after thinking about it, and watching how much of a hot mess I was, I've decided against posting it. You never know who will see it right?? And I thought it's better to be safe than sorry haha. SOOOO...instead, I'll be making a funny vlog to post in place of it. Hope you guys don't mind ;) So, that should be up in a few so be on the lookout for it.

Also, inspired by Seth's awesome post , I'll be posting my makeover pictures along with my next weigh-in on Sunday.

Another also, Benny is new to blogging, so, since I know you all are awesome at encouraging people, go show him some support!

Ok, time to get back to packing, and then going for a run. Think healthy thoughts everyone :)

definitely back on track :)

2010-05-04T23:40:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone! For those of you who have followed along the past few days, you'll know that I had gotten off track. I talked about my 3 lb gain and change of mentality in this post. Today, that new mentality was tested...

Ok, so, I don't know if any of you guys deal with motivation from a day to day basis, but I do. Some days I'm so motivated, I can't sit still. Literally. And others, I have no motivation whatsoever. But, in my last weigh-in post, I talked about how it finally felt like my mind changed, for good. But, as we all know, only time can tell if that's true.

So, today I went to grab dinner at the commons on campus.
Here's a look inside what my head was saying:
"Ok, Ashley, moment of truth. You can do this. ...But it's a buffet. The food all looks and smells so good. Oh crap. Wait, no...I can do this. I can avoid the bad stuff. I'll get a salad, grilled chicken, and fruit. ...But I really want pizza ...No, no, I can't get the pizza...or the pie...or the beer battered fish...or the quesadillas...or the alfredo...or the ice cream...or the or the chili with cheese. SHIT, now I want EVERYTHING!!! Fuck it."

...And so, I got everything and brought it home with me. Awesome, right?? ...Well, let me explain myself :) Normally, once the food was in my possession, I had no will-power against it. The food always won. Always. BUT, not tonight. That's right.. I brought it all back with me, popped open the lid of that glorious take-home container. And then... SHIT, guilt set in. BEFORE I ate it. WHAAAT??? That never happens to me. Only after I devour ten times more food than I should be eating does the guilt set in. But tonight, something was different. Of all of the goodies I brought home **(which included TWO grilled vegetable quesadilla triangles, a piece of beer battered fish, chicken alfredo, red grapes, a banana, and TWO servings of chili with cheese)** I only ate: the red grapes, half of the banana, and one of the grilled vegetable quesadilla triangles. Threw the rest away. Not too shabby, eh?

ANNND, That's not all. I had the most amazing run EVER tonight!!! I left with the plan of running, no matter what, no matter how painful, and no matter how ugly it was, for 20 solid minutes in one direction...no excuses. And then I would walk the whole way back to my apartment from there. Well, that didn't exactly happen. MORE HAPPENED :) 20 minutes came and went, and I still had more in me. After a solid 20 minutes of running, I was at the bottom of a HUGE ASS hill. It seemed only appropriate to sprint up it, and I mean SPRINT. The idea was to push myself, give it my all, and see how fast I could get to the top. I got to the top of the hill and my iPod said 20:40. I did it in 40 seconds!!! (In this time, I did a total of 1.77 miles) So, after that, I needed a break ;) ...I walked back down the hill and it took me 3 minutes to walk DOWN it...so that should give you an idea of how fast I was running UP it :) I gave my shins another minute of walking so I had a total of a good 4 minutes to give them a break (and walked .23 miles in that time -- down the hill included). But I still had more in me. I decided I would do bit of a c25k inspired trip home rather than the planned "walk" haha. I started sprinting for 60 seconds and then walking for 60 seconds, alternating the rest of the way home. I did a total of 6 one minute sprints and 5 one minute walks. (In this time, I made it a total distance of .70 miles while alternating sprints and walks) After I walked in the door, I could barely make it up the stairs to my bedroom. But, somehow, I did. Covered in sweat and success ;), I collapsed on my bed, and then took this picture... HAHA! I was soooo gross, sweaty, and tired. I did a combined total of 2.70 miles if my math is correct. Now, it's no 5K, but it was the most I've ever done. It may not have been pretty, but I did it, and I'm proud of myself.

I can honestly say that things are different now. Although I know I decided to change my life and choose to live a healthy lifestyle on January 3rd, 2010, today everything finally came together. I decided to change months ago, but today, that change became real. That change was tested, and that change withstood. I know I can do this. I still have a long way to go, but I know it's going to be a hell of a ride, and I can't wait. All I have to say...BRING IT!

So, for anyone out there who feels defeated, or has gotten off track, if you're reading this, then know that anything is possible. It's never too late to change your life. There is no mountain too high, and there is no goal too big. There's always another chance. Even if you've let a million chances pass you by, so what. Choose differently today, live differently today. Don't let anything, including yourself, stand in your way. And I know I may be a stranger, but, trust me, you are not in this alone. So, come on, I'm talking to you, I know you have the power to be everything you've always dreamed of. So, go for it...what are you waiting for??

vlog, silliness, and awards :)

2010-05-03T18:56:00.008-04:00

Heyyy everyone!!! First thing's first...I thought I maybe looked kinda-sorta pretty today...so here are some pictures ...and a progression from normal to weird hahaha :) Also...as promised, here is my first ever VLOG answering questions from Getting Healthy and fatlittleblackdog. I recorded this a MILLION different times hahaha....so be nice. Yes, I am aware that I'm a total weirdo...No, I do not know how to edit (at all)...and yes, I am aware my voice sounds like a teenage boy. hahaha. And check out the outtakes at the end

ENJOY! :)

Bloopers:

Also from fatlittleblackdog, I've received this awesome award!!!
I have to:

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award ever!
2. Choose one of the following options of accepting the Oh My Blog! award:

(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog where you’re basically talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, make up, etc) and post it.

3. Pass the award onto at least three, but preferably more, awesome bloggers and let them know.

I've decided to...(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus. ...Simply because I'm going out tonight so that should be easy for me to do. So be on the lookout for that post sometime here shortly :) And beware! hahaha.

And I'm passing this on to...
Seth
Anthony
Missa
and
Whitney

One last thing: if you haven't checked out this site already, do it! It's amazingly helpful!!!!

Ok everyone, think healthy thoughts...and let me know what you think of the vlog :)
Have a good one!!!

weekly weigh-in and self acceptance:

2010-05-02T14:06:00.006-04:00

**To all of my followers, this post may be strange, but it's real, and it's me, and it's what I've finally realized. Enjoy**

May 2, 2010

Current weight: 232 lbs
Total lbs lost: 22
Mood: moving forward

Hey everyone. As I'm sure you guys can tell, I had a really bad week (as I was expecting--I'll get into why later). The scale said I GAINED 3 LBS!!! ...no good. But to be honest, I absolutely deserved the gain this week. Although I had every intention of getting back on track and whipping my butt into shape after I had an off weekend, the opposite happened. I stayed off track, and couldn't for the life of me get back on. I feel like this happens to me all the time, where if I get off track for more than a day, it's like pulling teeth to get me to re-focus. At the beginning of each day, I tried and did really well, but come dinner time, out of nowhere, I lost all of my focus every single night. I had no motivation to eat healthy and I had no motivation to work out. It seems like everyone else is on board with me losing weight, but for some reason, I feel like I jumped over-board. For example: people are starting to notice me, even if it's only in small ways. The other day, I went to a daylong outdoor party with my cousin Steven. Normally, I dreaded going to things like that because I knew I'd be the only fat girl there, sticking out like a sore thumb. No bikini...fully dressed...standing quietly...and sweating. But, regardless of how scared I was to go, I was not going to miss out on spending some time with my cousin because this summer he's moving to the Illinois/Indiana area so I probably won't get to see him as much :( ...so, against my fears, I went. And I was surprised by the outcome. (These examples may seem like small things, but coming from a fat-college girl, they're HUGE THINGS!)
Ok, so, half of the anxiety of going to a party comes from walking to the party itself. Why? Because, let's face it...when there are a ton of other parties going on because we're so close to the end of the semester and the weather is beautiful, that means there are a ton of parties that I have to walk past...alone. And, let's be real for a second here: most college guys filled with alcohol are not always the most respectful people to encounter. And a fat girl walking alone is the perfect target. So what does that mean for me?? Someone (or multiple someones) is bound to yell something at me in regards to my weight. Like, just the typical "FAAATT"!!! Or my personal favorite "yo, FAT BITCH" ...oooh yeah, that one just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. So, naturally, at every party I came across, I braced myself for the inevitable, but it never happened. In fact, the opposite happened. People were actually checking me out. TRUST ME. Coming from a fat girl who never gets checked out but always sees it happening to other people...when it does happen to us on a rare occasion...WE KNOW IT. There's no missing that! And it happened...multiple times, both on the way there and on the way back. WHAAAATTTT???! Do you know how long it's been since someone has checked me out, let alone, since multiple people have checked me out??? Like 2 years. That's a long ass time! So, at the party, I was more relaxed. And although I wasn't super comfortable with myself just yet, I had a good time and I'm really glad I went and got to spend the time with my cousin :)
So, you would think all of this would make me feel awesome right?? Motivate me perhaps?? ...Nope. It didn't. At one point in the week, I even considered giving up completely. But WHY?? After all of the progress I've made and after all of the struggles I've been through and overcome, why would I give up now!? There's nothing standing in my way except for myself. So why won't I move?? Am I afraid to succeed?? Am I scared to feel pretty and be checked out? Have I become content with being overlooked rather than wanting to be noticed?? I think the answer is yes. Not that I want yes to be the answer, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't. If I look back through my life, I have de-railed my progress so many times I can't even count. I think in some way shape or form, I was so used to failing that I let it become my comfort zone. So, succeeding was something new and scary for me. All I ever wanted was the thing I was most afraid of getting. Because if I got it, then it would be in my hands and in my power to screw up. So, by never really trying, I never really risked losing what I wanted most. Instead, I became content with second best because if I lost at second best, I wasn't really losing anything important to me. To help explain this a bit better, I've done this a lot in my past with guys as well. I guess I have kind-of a jaded perception of love. I'm used to things ending, so I guess I always approached relationships in a way that would prepare me for the end, rather than the beginning. Like, for example, If I really really liked someone and he was a great guy, I'd never go for him. Why? Because if I screwed it up, and it ended (which I'm used to that happening) then I'd feel the loss of something great. So, instead, I'd go for guys who weren't great for me or really any of the things I was looking for because then, when that would end...I wasn't really losing anything at all. But, what I realized along the way, that approach actually made me lose more. Sure, I wasn't losing a great guy or a great relationship, but by exposing myself to guys who were no good for me...I was constantly losing bits and pieces of myself. I realize now, that if I had just gone for the right guy from the beginning, yeah, of course it could have ended, but it also could have had the chance to be something great. I just never gave it a chance, and instead I thought I was protecting myself from loss, but actually, I was just setting myself up for horrible failure and hurt. I first realized I did this about a year ago so I've stayed single in order to make sure I won't do it again. I'll date when I know I'm ready and won't make the same mistakes. So, the same could be said about this. I saw myself succeeding at losing weight for the first time, and almost out of reflex, I went and screwed it up. As odd as all of that may sound, I hope some of you can relate or understand what I mean. BUT No more being my own worst enemy... Just like how I had to become aware of the destructive path I was laying out for myself with dating, I was doing the same with dieting. So, if half of the battle is being aware, then I am now aware of what I've done and can work towards not repeating these same mistakes in the future. I know that self acceptance comes from within and no matter how much my body changes, good or bad, I will only ever be happy if I feel the changes...not see them. So, I'm done settling for less than what I know I deserve. I'm done expecting to fail, and being content when it happens. I'm done safe-guarding my life, and never letting anyone in close enough to potentially hurt me. And as far as aiming to just get by...no more. Fuck "just getting by"!! From here on out, I'm aiming for the top. I'm in it to win it...and I know I'm a force to be reckoned with.
So, today is a new day. The past is the past, and I'm moving forward.

Now...enough with the seriousness...time for some fun. I was wondering why all those boys were checking me out...hmmmm??? maybe this is why..Dammmmnnnn Girrrllll!!! Check out those curves! pffht...those 3 lbs ain't got nothin' on me! 232 lbs and still lookin fly. lol. I'm starting to get my hourglass shape back and that makes me say... OOOH YEAAAH hahaha ok, ok. Enough of this foolishness. My only point is that I'm not going to let this gain get me down. With everything I've realized in the past week, this gain will only serve as motivation. :)
Given the first picture, this song made me die laughing. Enjoy. hahaha.

Ok, ok, for real this time...enough of that foolishness. Time to go workout. Tune in tomorrow for my first ever VLOG!!!!! ....ahhh I'm scared lol. And I'll also be talking about a great new workout site for all of you to try :) Talk to you all soon!!!
Think healthy thoughts!! :)

a question for all of my awesome followers!

2010-04-29T11:28:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone! I have a question for you guys. I have been considering making video updates to post on here regularly in addition to my normal posts. My idea was to update you guys and give you a more personal feel for who I was and what my progress is looking like (struggles, diet, workouts, what I'm doing well, c25k training, Tabata, etc.) pretty much anything you guys want to ask me, and then I'll make video responses to your questions. Let me know if you think it's a good idea, and if I get enough feedback I'll start making videos. If you'd like me to do it, post a comment with a question(s) you have for me (it can be anything...doesn't even have to be diet/exercise related) and I'll answer all of the questions I get in my first video. Or post a comment with an idea for a video (me doing a Tabata workout, making a meal, giving video body updates rather than pictures, or just updating you guys, etc.) I think it will be kinda cool, but I'm only going to do it if you guys are interested in it too, so I want your feedback! :) Ok, post a comment with a question/video idea if you're interested :) Thanks!!!

Shin update :( and smoothie attempt #2 HUGE SUCCESS :)

2010-04-28T10:42:00.011-04:00

Hey everyone! As I said in my last post, I'm attempting to re-kick start my diet by replacing breakfast and lunch with a smoothie. This was the one I made today and OMG it was delicious!!! Forget what I said about the one I made yesterday...this one topped it by about a million! haha. I call it the Green Machine :)

All you need:
1/2 banana
1 large cup of red grapes
1 large cup of fresh spinach
4 oz light yogurt of your choice (I used boysenberry)
7 oz light vanilla creme muscle milk
4 ice cubes
...and a blender :)

(It contains everything I need for my meals! Fruit, vegetables, dairy, and protein. They're also great and very refreshing for after workouts)

The process:

BLEND BLEND BLEND!!! (this one required more blending than the last one because of the skin of the grapes and the added ice...)

The result: GREEN MACHINE! This one also made more than the last one because I added the yogurt and ice. It may look gross, but DO NOT let its looks fool you! It is delicious!

However, I know that some people (like myself) are not very good at the whole "mind over matter" thing ...No worries! Just dress it up! :) TA DAAA!!!!! :)

It tastes so good you'll think you're cheating...
Look how pretty....can you really say no to something as beautiful, delicious, filling, and healthy as this?? I think not!
Try it for yourself or even experiment with your own ideas! The possibilities are endless :) Let me know if you try it and what you think!

**On a side note, I'm sad to report that all of horrible shin pains I was having are in fact shin splints :( As a result, I have to take it easy on them for a while so that puts a damper on my C25K training. But do not fret. I'm still going to be taking full advantage of the ellipticals on campus as well as sticking to my Tabata and strength training routine as much as I comfortably can. FINGERS CROSSED these pains go away soon...and also that I don't gain any weight this week!!!
Ok, time to get to my second class and then off for an angry elliptical session :) I'll be back on tonight, but in the mean time, think healthy thoughts!!!

butt kicking time!

2010-04-27T21:50:00.004-04:00

Hey everyone! If you heard about my weekend, you know I didn't do very well...soooo, time to kick my ass back into shape! I started this morning strong with fitness class where I did strength training and ran 1.21 miles in 13 minutes. I came home, did a round of INTENSE Tabata and then replaced my breakfast and lunch with this fella: (great for after a workout)
1/2 banana
1 cup fresh strawberries
1 large cup of fresh spinach
7 oz light chocolate muscle milk

Blend... YUMMM
Cleanup is a cinch too! It was delicious. The only thing I would do differently is add ice to it next time :)
ok...off to do my C25k training! talk to you all tomorrow! :)

I'm baaaccckkkk :)

2010-04-26T10:16:00.013-04:00

Hello, friends! I'm finally back after a very very busy weekend :) All in all I had a great time and got a lot accomplished. I had 4 visitors in my apartment, and a few others that stayed elsewhere. I also had tons of errands to fun...and tons of fun to be had!
my sister got in Thursday evening and went out with my cousin while I stayed in due to severe sinus trouble. I needed the rest.
Friday, morning my sister took me to the DMV to renew my driver's license because it had been expired since November..ooooops. Well, to be fair, I hadn't really needed it until now because I don't even have my car at school. But I did need to renew it before this summer for my job and driving around and such. So, new license: check. Pretty license picture: ...... NO check ....ohhh my picture is awful this time around. I look like I'm completely dazed and lost and on top of it, my hair looks like a mushroom cloud...HOT. haha. I won't show the picture because it's so horrible, but this was me shortly after I got it renewed After that we had to go to the Social Security office because, I, like an idiot, lost my social security card somewhere along the way :( Surprisingly though, these two errands only took us a couple hours. After that we went for some pampering and got our nails done. The rest of the day I relaxed and napped to try to feel better before everyone else started getting in for the weekend. And once everyone was finally here I got up, did some homework, and then hung out with them before they all went out to parties and bars. I stayed in a) because I still wasn't feeling well at all and b) because I knew I had a big day ahead of me on Saturday and that I would be drinking so I wanted to take Friday off because I didn't want to drink toooo many calories this weekend.
So, by the time Saturday rolled around I was still sick, but determined to have fun anyway! And I did...I had tons of fun!!! But, I would be lying if I said I stuck to my diet and exercise routine :( But, whatever, I had SOOO much fun at our tailgate! Activities included: playing dizzy bat (and I didn't fall!!!), participating in a chug line, hanging out with the best family and friends, making some new friends (even if only for the day) and laughing the entire day. I almost forgot I was even sick. Maybe I forgot with the help of this...HAHA I'm such a goofball!!! (my sister took better pictures but these are just the ones I had on my phone. I'll post the better ones once I can snipe them from her after she uploads them on Facebook haha)
But, as I said, the beer did help me forget about being sick but, as we may all know, if we drink too much of it, our logic can sometimes go out the window. And mine did. As a result, I snacked wayyy too much. I went a bit overboard :( ...
The culprits: Potato chips and Cupcakes...my best friends, and worst enemies :-/
OOOPS. Oh well...we're all allowed a weekend of cheating every now and then right? I'll make up for it this week. And at least I didn't go as overboard a this guy... HAHAHAHAHAHA we were dying laughing when we saw him. It was like playing "what's wrong with this picture?" ...only in real life! haha SO FUNNY!!!

On Sunday, after all of the tailgating and drinking had come to an end, 8 of us went to the Olive Garden before everyone had to return home. I ordered soup and salad. Could have ordered better, but I also could have ordered worse. But I really wanted to go. Everyone had so much to do but they stayed for lunch anyway. My cousins both had lots of homework to do, my sister, her fiance, and our friends Pete, Becka, and Jamie all had work on the morning, but they still stayed late so that they could spend time with everyone at lunch so I really didn't wanna miss it. My poor friend Pete even got stuck in the rain on his way home to D.C. I felt sooooo bad :( But just goes to show how great of a friend he is to stay late with us and have lunch knowing that he had a 4hr drive back on a bike when they were calling for storms. After lunch everyone headed home and I did some laundry and cleaning around the apartment. With everything going on and being sick, I didn't have any time to work out so I've decided to re-start my C25K training as well as Tabata workouts so that things aren't thrown off too badly. So, all of that being said, I have A LOT to work off this week so keep your fingers crossed that I don't see a gain on Sunday!! This will be my theme song for the week.

Even though I didnt do well this weekend, I must say I have been doing pretty kick ass with this whole healthy lifestyle thing since January so one off weekend won't be the death of me. All in all I had a very good time and I hope all of you did too!

ok....I came back and edited this post because my sister just posted the pictures from the tailgate. Here they all are! :)

I think I look huge in this picture because of the jersey :( ...well I hope it's the jersey at least. If not...I have shoulders like a MAN!
Me in the chug line...I'm starting to not look like a giant compared to everyone else...look, my legs are almost as small as the girl's legs behind me
me playing dizzy bat...hahaha such a funny game. not a very flattering pic, but it's an honest view of my whole body. PROGRESS :)
Lastly the lines for the bathrooms were INSANE so this was our......"V.I.P. bathroom" hahahaha

If you can't tell already, I had a really fun weekend :)

early weigh-in

2010-04-23T07:50:00.002-04:00

...because I won't have time to do it Sunday

April 23, 2010

Current weight: 229 lbs
Total lbs lost: 25
Mood: happy/sick/busy...all rolled into one

Hey guys, this weekend is crazy busy for me so I'm weighing in two days early. Sooooo, I'm down to 229 lbs!! Whooo :) Ok, enough celebrating, time to get ready then go to the DMV (aka Satan's asshole...for those Dane Cook fans out there haha). Have a good weekend everyone! I'll be back Monday :)

Tabata 2

2010-04-22T06:35:00.005-04:00

Hey everyone. Short post today. I'm unbearably sick :( I seriously wish I could just stay in bed all day. That would be the life. OOOOH how I love you, bed. I'm so sorry I left you ...please take me back? LOL. But seriously though, time to wake up and get moving because, sick or not, I have lots to do today ... and all weekend. So, brief rundown, This is a big party weekend at school. It's called Blue and White weekend. Basically it's just a football game which is open to the public where the team plays each other. It's a huge weekend for undergrads and all kinds of alum to come up and throw big tailgates...and that's exactly what we'll all be doing...alllll weekend!! Tonight my sister and my friend Pete are coming in for the weekend (PSU alum). Tomorrow my sister's fiance and his best man Chad are also coming up (also PSU alum). They're all throwing a tailgate Saturday so I'll probably be m.i.a. for the weekend. And finally, my younger cousin Jen (future Penn Stater...next year- whoo) is coming up tomorrow. But, I still have lots to do before they all get here. I have tons of guests and no room made up for any of them yet, so I'm busy busy today. And, although I'm not feeling well, I'm really quite excited for this weekend, and of course to see everyone! I haven't seen the boys since my birthday in November when I still weighed about 260 lbs so it'll be cool to see if they notice that I've lost weight. Anyway, off to do my 2nd Tabata workout then time for my exercise class til 11:00, then off to lose my mind getting ready for this weekend haha. Here's workout #2

Have a good day everyone!

Time to say goodbye:

2010-04-21T21:04:00.004-04:00

I've given this a lot of thought and I've decided that today is my last day. It's time to move on and move forward. And as hard as it will be for me to say goodbye, it is something I have to do. So, here is my final letter:

GOODBYE SELF DOUBT,

This was a hard decision for me to make but, after thinking it over, time and time again, I now know what I have to do. I have to say goodbye to you. Although you've stood by me faithfully for the last five years, it has become apparent to me in the past few months that our relationship is severely destructive to my well-being. When I met you, I was a girl who had let the life around her tear her down. But, I'm not that girl anymore. Now: I'm a girl who sees the potential in my future that I had turned my back on for so many years. I'm a girl who wants to succeed and overcome all obstacles rather than letting them overtake me. I'm a girl who wants to be healthy and live a long, happy and fulfilling life. I'm a girl who wants to be loved, but I know that no one can really, truly, love me until I love myself. And finally, I'm a girl that wants to feel beautiful, no matter what I weigh. With all of these new hopes and dreams, I have no place for you in my life anymore. I truly believe that that key to success, beauty, life and love is confidence. If I feel it, I'll be it. But as long as you are a part of my life, I cannot feel these things, and therefore, will not be these things. But today, that changes! I WILL be these things, and so much more. I'm tired of being comfortable in your company and I will no longer walk with you by my side. You have no place in my heart anymore! We've been on a hell of a ride, and I'm done! I'm walking to solid ground. And even though I thought this day would never come, it has. So, it's finally time for me to say the long overdue, and much deserved, goodbye. Goodbye, GOODBYE, and I'm never turning back!

Sealed with a farewell kiss, I hope we never meet again.
No longer yours,
Ashley

15 reasons why I'm happier when I'm healthier:

2010-04-21T04:52:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone, this post highlights 15 reasons why I enjoy living a healthier lifestyle in response to Seth's latest post. Go check him out!

1. My overall health and well-being are improving with every day
2. I'm adding years to my life
3. I am no longer afraid of the dryer "shrinking" my clothes, in fact, I hope it does
4. Stairs are no longer the enemy
5. I can do so much more now and there is no better feeling than after an intense workout and knowing I've put my all into it
6. I enjoy seeing the results on my body and I'm beginning to believe that I am beautiful
7. My back and joints don't hurt as much as they used to
8. I can wrap the towel all the way around myself after a shower...no peak-a-boo ;)
9. I no longer hurt myself when I sit down in certain chairs, or worry that I'll be stuck in them when I stand up
10. With every pound I lose, I gain more and more confidence
11. People are staring to tell me how good I'm looking
12. I look forward to buying clothing styles I actually like rather than just the ones that I can fit into. (and never having to say "that's so cute but it won't look cute on me" ever again)
13. I'm significantly reducing my risk of health complications
14. I want to inspire others to do the same and regain control of their life
15. I can finally accept myself for everything I am, and everything I'm not

Of course there are many, many, many more reasons, but these are just a few. I encourage all of you to make a list of your own! :)

**Side note: to a certain blogger out there...you know I had a tiny bit of a rough night last night...But I'm feeling much better now. I just wanted to say thanks for being so stellar and supportive, as you always are :) I really appreciate it**

To finish things off, this song explains my journey thus far so well! And as you all probably know by now, I'm a big fan of letting music encourage me. (I swear, music could save the world if we all just stopped to listen every now and then) Now, of course it's cheesy 90's music, but I couldn't say it better myself...so I'll just let Wilson Phillips say it for me :)

My second round of fitness results, Tabata Workouts, and C25K Schedule:

2010-04-20T16:57:00.003-04:00

Hey Everyone! First of all, I wanted to say thank you to all of you who commented on my last post. All of your support and encouragement is what helps to keep me going every day. I appreciate it more than I can say! :)

Today was a bit of an off day for me. I was feeling really run down and my knees and shins were KILLING ME for some reason after last night's C25K run. (maybe I pushed myself a bit too hard) But, even though I wasn't feeling 100% today, I still managed to give my workouts 100%.

I am currently in Week One of C25K training. For those of you who don't know what it is here's a link. C25K Running Plan My running days are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

On Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday, I got the great idea from Anthony to start doing Tabata workouts. I found a total of 7 Tabata workouts online that I'm going to try. Each day I do Tabata training I'm going to pick one of the workouts and do it twice through. I'll alternate workouts until I've done all 7 and then I'll start back at the beginning, that way I'm not doing the same thing every day. I'll eventually post all 7 workouts once I've done them all but here's what I did today...
I completed the video two times through for a total of 8 minutes rather than four. It was so quick and so fun :) So far, I love it!
If you don't like listening to her, or you have your own ideas for a Tabata workout, here's a Tabata timer to help you out (he says "GO" and "STOP" funny but ladies, lets be real, who doesn't love a man with an accent? ;o haha)

Now, *drum roll please* I took my second fitness assessment this morning and all of my results improved :) I talked about how disappointed I was after my first assessment in my Know your number post but here are my new results:

Normal resting heart rate: 60-90 beats per minute
My old result: 98
NEW RESULT: 84 much better :)

Normal resting blood pressure: 120/80
My old result: 126/84
NEW RESULT: 122/82 my body doesn't hate me as much anymore :)

Normal body fat percentage for women: 14-25%
My old result: 41.1%
NEW RESULT: 40.1% Still bad, but better

Normal flexibility sit and reach test for women: 19 inches
My old result: 22.5 inches
NEW RESULT: 23 ok, ok I'll take it

Normal leg dynamometry for females: 62-79 kg
My old result: 100 kg
NEW RESULT: 120 kg Hulk like leg strength ;)

Normal sit-up/min for women: 38
My old result: 6
NEW RESULT: 12 still pathetic, but I doubled it, so I guess it's good

Normal one minute push-up test: 15-20
My old result: 16
NEW RESULT: 30 HELL YEAH :)

Normal submaximal bike test for women under the age of 25: 36-40
My old result: 20.4
NEW RESULT: 21.3 still not good, but still PROGRESS :)

Now, of course I'm still not thrilled with a lot of these numbers, but I am thrilled that they ALL improved! I still have a long way to go, but it's nice to see that my results are actually showing up on paper in only 2 1/2 short months. FEELS GOOD ;) So, I think a celebratory dance to this song is appropriate just because it's awesome and has my name in it :)))...

My story.

2010-04-19T15:58:00.025-04:00

Hi everyone. This is a very personal post for me and some of it is very hard to talk about, but maybe by sharing my journey, it will help to give some of you the strength to do the same. I'm sharing my life story with all of you, so please, be gentle with it. Here goes...

Over the years, my weight has always been a struggle for me. Here's a bit of why...As a child, I grew up, like a lot of children do, with divorced parents. My father was a very abusive and troubled man. When my mother left him, he remained out of the picture. She was left to raise my older sister and I on her own. Over the years she had to juggle raising two children and a career, so my sister and I spent a lot of time with our grandparents. With the exception of the trouble caused by our father, we had a very blessed upbringing. We were involved in every sport and every activity we could get our hands on. Out of everything though, my favorite thing was dance class. As much as I loved it though, that's when I began to develop a complex about my body. All of the girls my age were smaller than me and on top of that, I was called fat a lot as a child. This is me in the early years of my dancing...
Looking at these pictures now, I can see that I wasn't fat. I was a beautiful little girl. But at a young age, and after hearing it so many times, I started to believe it...and then it became the truth..
After years of struggling with my weight, in seventh grade, I was sick of being the fat girl. All of the boys liked my friends, but never me. I wanted that to change. I wanted to be noticed, but I thought that if I was fat, nobody would ever like me. As a result, I unfortunately developed bulimia for quite some time. Nobody knew about it. All they knew was that I was losing weight and "looked great". Eventually though, after I had lost a ton of weight, I went on a trip with my sister and cousins to my grandparent's cabin and I didn't want anyone to find out about my problem so I stopped doing it. I gained about 10-15 lbs on the trip. When I got back, my mom was shocked to see how much weight I had gained and I eventually just broke down and started crying and told her what I had been doing. She helped me get through it and by ninth grade I was back to a healthy weight... Finally boys started to notice me for being more than just the fat girl...
I started to develop more confidence than ever with sports, school, family, and friends. I started losing a lot of weight, the healthy way this time! In these next pictures I weigh 150 lbs. I know that exactly because at this time I weighed myself constantly and was obsessed with a healthy lifestyle...

At 150 lbs I was SOOOO happy with my body. I was so confident and healthy... I was overwhelmingly happy with my life and I eventually started dating a boy from school. While I continued to eat right and work out, I became extra careful about what I ate since I now had a serious boyfriend. At my lowest I weighed 136 lbs and didn't have an ounce of fat on me... After about a year of dating him, things started to go downhill...QUICKLY. He never showed me any affection and I started to think that there was something wrong with me if my own boyfriend didn't even want to kiss me. He blew me off constantly to hang out with his friends and always made comments about how I wasn't good enough. He told me I wore too much makeup, wore clothes that were too small for me, was too "loud and obnoxious", was too dependent, didn't have a nice car, was getting fat, had ugly hair...you name it, he said it. I was desperate for him to love me back so I stayed with him for two years and had put on 50+lbs in that time. At that point, I was so emotionally broken down that I didn't think anyone else could ever love me and that I was disgusting...it was a struggle to get him to even kiss me so I thought I was fat and gross and ugly. (and I still do to this day to be honest - people always ask me why I don't think I'm pretty - he's why) I know I shouldn't have let him get to me as much as I did, but he seriously tore me down so far that I didn't think I would ever get back up...but I'm working on it now. In this picture I weigh 186 at my junior prom... While I do not blame him, our relationship took a huge toll on me. By the time it was my senior year of high school, I had broken up with my boyfriend and had to totally start over making a whole new friend group. I was severely depressed at this point and I started getting involved with the wrong crowd. I stopped getting ready in the mornings, didn't take anything seriously, missed 44 days of school, partied all the time, defied my mother constantly, and in general had just given up on life in a lot of ways. By the end of my senior year I weighed about 200 lbs...

BUT...things were about to change. After a really rough final year of high school, I was about to have a fresh start at a better life. I left for Penn State with the hopes of starting over, losing weight, and finally being happy with myself and getting away from old people and old habits that didn't matter. Nothing could bring me down.

While I thought I would have a great fresh start and that nothing would bring me down, I WAS WRONG. (this is very personal so please be understanding) I went through a very traumatic experience that led me to strong feelings of fear and resentment. Unfortunately, I was sexually assaulted. I didn't get hurt and I stopped him before he had the chance to do anything, but he tried, and that was all it took. It broke me. I had finally reached my all time low. I didn't care about anything and at times I thought about committing suicide. I felt like I had no way out and I was so lost and ashamed that I didn't think I would ever be found again. In this time of my life, I was overwhelmed by so many emotions and I turned to food. I gained about another 20 lbs my freshman year of college. Here was me at 220 lbs... After some time had passed and a few more rounds of destructive relationships, I was filled with resentment and after about another two years I tipped the scales at about 270 lbs at my highest...A short while after this, I decided to change my life. I didn't want to be a victim of circumstance anymore. I had let others control my weight, and I let my weight control who I became. I was miserable and unhappy so in January of 2011, at 254lbs, I started this blog and vowed to change my life...to become the person I always knew I could be.
When I look back through all of these memories, I see a girl who was faced with a lot of sadness. But when I consider all of the love I have in my life and I see the tremendous progress I've made in the last few months, it's like I'm a completely different person. I know I've been through a lot, as we all have. I've let others bring me down when I should have told them to kiss my ass. I've let others control the way I viewed my self worth and depth. And instead of tackling my problems head on, I've made a lot of terrible choices along the way. But I know that I can get through anything I set my mind to. I finally know what matters in life, and I know what doesn't. I can accept my past, forgive those who have done me wrong (including myself), and hold my head high because I finally know that I do deserve a life of happiness. I may not have always been where I wanted to be, but I'm finally on my way. Day in and day out I am working on a new me, both physically and emotionally.
No matter what life hands us, we have to believe that we can and will rise above it. Maybe some of you can relate to my story and maybe you can't. But that's ok. No matter where you started or what happened along the way, tomorrow can be better. Be thankful for each day, and love yourself, flaws and all. All I hope is that my story can provide you with some inspiration. Keep your head high in times of doubt, keep your eyes open in times of darkness, and before you know it you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel shining brighter than ever before. You can do anything you set your mind to. And remember, don't EVER let anyone tell you you're not good enough...not even yourself.

weigh-in, pictures, and more :)

2010-04-18T18:38:00.010-04:00

April 18, 2010

Current weight: 232 lbs
Total lbs lost: 22
Mood: satisfied

Hey everyone! I'm back from a great weekend with my family! My cousin did a wonderful job in her musical. She was the best one up there! It was great seeing all of my family even though I didn't eat as well as I should have over the weekend. However, I didn't go overboard. If I wanted a piece of cake, I had a small piece, and I didn't feel too overwhelmingly guilty about it afterwards. Also, my grandparents had a wonderful time on their cruise and my grandma is looking thinner than ever! She LOST weight on her cruise which, for those of you who have ever been on a cruise should know, that's a HUGE accomplishment! She told me that she's thinner now than she was when they bought their current house years ago. I'm so proud of her. She and my grandpa brought me back these amazing gifts from Hawaii...
A really fun pink shirt :)

Beautiful shell necklace, earrings, and a bracelet..

The bracelet up close.. SO BEAUTIFUL :)

As far as my weigh-in goes...I have good news for once ;) As I said in my last post I was nervous to travel because it seems like every time I do, I gain. BUT like I said, I didn't go overboard this time and as a result I am proud to say that I didn't gain any weight!!! In fact, I actually LOST a pound since I weighed in the other night. That brings my grand total to -22 lbs since January! WHOO HOOO! Here are some pictures of me tonight...
From the front (collar bones...come back to me! lol)

From the side...

From behind...check out that bra bulge (even with raised arms) :( OH WELL, at least it's slowly but surely going away :)

Full body...my hips and thighs are FINALLY shrinking

All in all I had a really good weekend! I hope all of you did as well!

And I'm off...

2010-04-16T12:48:00.003-04:00

...to see my family for the weekend :)

I'm soooo excited!!! I can't wait to see all of them. My grandparents have just returned home from a five week cruise at the beginning of the week so this will be my first time seeing them in SIX WEEKS!!! holy cow! ANNNNDDDD I have a BEAUTIFUL cousin who is a senior in high school and she is in a musical this weekend!! So, of course I'm going to see her! Tickets, check. Gasoline, check. Luggage, check. Jenni's cheering section in the audience, TRIPLE CHECK! :) I can't wait to see her (I know she'll do amazing, like she does every year) On that note, I want to look extra special for tonight's show so I did my huurrrrr :) It's a three hour drive home so it's SUPER curly right now, but will fall during the car ride. I feel like Shirley Temple right now haha. Here it is...

I have to say, I think my back looks pretty thin in this picture...maybe just because my arms are raised...but whatever, I like it either way.
I'll be doing my makeup and adding my hair extensions and getting all dressed up once I get there...and hopefully, I'll look like less of a blobby-blob standing with my family this year. I'll be sure to post some pictures of the final look when I get back. Oh and keep your fingers crossed for me that I don't gain any weight...it seems like every time I travel I gain. But my fingers are crossed, and hopefully this time I won't.

Talk to you all very soon!
Have a good weekend and think healthy thoughts!
:)

an ooopsies :( and an inspiration :)

2010-04-15T19:28:00.011-04:00

OMG guys I just realized I never posted my weigh-in from last Sunday...?? SORRY! Here it is...officially as of five minutes ago... Total loss Since Jan 03, 2010..........21 lbs :)))))
In other news...my before picture doesn't really show my face that well...so here's a couple of before face pictures... can anyone say CHIPMUNK CHEEKS?? ...before

Half way between then and now...
Now... still 59lbs away from my yearly goal but, all in all, not too bad

As I was looking through these pictures I thought to myself, "ya know what? I may not look like Jennifer Aniston, but I can still be the Jennifer Aniston version of MYSELF". I can't keep telling myself that I'm ugly. Even on my worst days, no matter how bloated I am or how messy my hair is, or whether or not I put on my makeup...I have to believe that I am beautiful. WE ALL DO. So, to all of my fellow bloggers out there (whether you're boy or girl, 1 or 100 years old) YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Every single one of us. We are all beautiful in our own special and unique way. For so long, through gaining all of this weight, I never ever saw myself as a beautiful person. And I can imagine some of you have also felt this way at times. Everyday I'd realize that I didn't look like the girls I saw in magazines or on t.v. or even like the ones I saw at parties or in my classes. I wasn't as thin as them. I wasn't as tan as them. I wasn't as pretty as them. I wasn't anything like them. But for all of the things I saw that I wasn't, I forgot all of the things I WAS. I was like me. The me who loves the shape of my eyebrows, and the shade of my skin. The me who thinks I have some pretty rockin eyes and lips, and beautiful, thick hair. So, does it really matter if I don't look like any of you, or if any of you don't look like me? NO! We are all unique and no matter what, we will never look just like the person standing next to us. But that doesn't make them (or us) any less beautiful. Embrace your differences. Embrace your weight. Embrace your smile. Embrace your hair and even it's split ends...Embrace it all. Love yourself, and the rest of the world will love you too, and if not, they're missing out!

With all of that said, I think these songs are appropriate :)

And of course...

oldie but goodie :)

2010-04-15T00:38:00.005-04:00

This song serves a few reasons:

Number 1: On any journey (weight-loss included), most of your time spent is in "the middle". Not at the start, and not at your goal. So it's important to LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Don't wait until you're at your goal to start living. If you do that, you will miss out on so much in life. And as I'm sure we all know by now, life doesn't wait for us...so "live right now" :)

Number 2: Just simply because I LOVE this song :)

Number 3: Sometimes we all just need to let that inner rockstar out by dancing around our bedrooms in our underwear and singing into hairbrushes (and I'm sure we'll burn some calories while we're at it)

Do yourself a favor...put on your favorite song and ROCK OUT tonight! You won't regret it :)

kicking my own behind into shape!

2010-04-12T20:11:00.007-04:00

Hey all! Although I have been working out progressively throughout these past few months, I have never worked out as hard as I did tonight... Well, let me re-phrase, I have never pushed MYSELF that hard before, usually I only push myself to the limit when I'm in my workout class and my aerobics instructor forces me to push through the pain. But I've never done it for myself...until tonight. And let me tell you, I feel AWESOME! On the elliptical I burned an extra 20 calories compared to my all time high. I always go for 20 minutes, but before (even when I thought I was pushing myself) I would struggle to burn 280 calories in that time limit. But tonight, I burned 300 calories in 20 minutes! GREAT SUCCESS. On top of that, I did some awesome lifting/toning. ooooh I was sweating up a storm... don't believe me? LOOK...
Excuse the hair and no makeup but maybe that will add to the authenticity of my exhaustion after tonight's workout haha.

Hopefully this summer I'll be more confident in a bathing suit...and by next summer...dare I say BIKINI??? I HOPE SO :)
Let's all hope for the best with this song and kick ass cheesy video HAHA... I only hope that one day I'll be as great of a dancer as these girls and get cast in a music video with a suave man who's hair is longer than mine...picking up on the sarcasm?? I hope so... ENJOY :)

Victim of a drive-by. Again.

2010-04-11T00:37:00.004-04:00

Hey everyone. Here goes my rant. Why is it that people think it's funny to yell out "fat" comments? Well, just about a half of an hour ago I was a victim of a "drive-by-insulting". Tonight I was abnormally thirsty so I decided to walk to the on campus store to buy some drinks. As I was walking back, and on the steps close to my apartment, a car drove by and the guy in the passenger side yelled out "HEY BIG GIRL ON THE STEPS!" Seriously? Are you kidding me? This is what I wish I could have said to him: "Number one: are you really THAT immature? Number two: do you ever take into account how what you say is going to make that "big girl on the steps" feel for the rest of her life? Number three: did it seriously make your night better to make fun of a perfect stranger about being fat? Number four: I hope you crash at the next intersection!"
Seriously though, what kind of pleasure does a person get by yelling mean things out of their car window to a defenseless stranger? ...Karma, I really hope you exist and give him what he deserves.
I'm starting to really hate people more and more.

beat the heat!

2010-04-06T21:44:00.002-04:00

Hey all! Is everyone enjoying this beautiful warm weather? I know I am! However, now that summer is just around the corner, ice-cream temptations nearly triple. I don't know about you, but it seems like everyday in the summer, I see someone walking around with an ice-cream cone or milkshake. BUT, luckily there is a little trick to avoid the cravings while still satisfying that sweet tooth. Frozen bananas! Just chop up a banana, stick it into a Ziploc bag or Tupperware container, then just pop it in the freezer. About an hour later take it out, and it's a great snack that tastes JUST like ice-cream without the guilt. let it defrost a bit and eat with a spoon for more of a mind-set of eating ice-cream, or even make it into a milkshake. Whatever you prefer, enjoy it with a guiltless smile :)

skipping my weigh-in

2010-04-05T15:50:00.003-04:00

Hey all, this is a day late, but yesterday I was busy traveling to see the family for the holiday. And.....well let's just say Easter kicked my ass this year. I ate wayyyyyyy too much :( but it was all so delicious. Anyway, I'm not emotionally prepared to face the scale yet in order to assess the damage from this weekend. So, I'm just going to wait until next Sunday to weigh-in so I don't totally freak out and then stress out about a potential gain.

Happy Belated Easter Everyone!

1/4 of the way there!!!! :)

2010-03-28T11:03:00.007-04:00

March 28, 2010

Current weight: 234 lbs
Total lbs lost: 20
Mood: accomplished

Hey everyone!!! I have some very exciting news!!! (well, at least I think it's exciting) But I have one rule...you have to listen to this song as you read this post to FULLY understand the extent of my good mood :)

I've officially lost 20 lbs!!!!!! I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 234 so that means I've lost 20lbs since I started in January and I'm now officially 1/4 of the way to my goal weight by next January!! WHOO HOOO!!!! :) :) :) I'm soooo excited ...if you can't already tell haha. Also, in even more exciting news...as we all learn throughout this journey, it's not always about the numbers we see on the scale, what matters is how we look and feel, the effort we put in, and our health. So, even when the numbers on the scale don't seem to be moving...our bodies are still changing. I really realized that this week when I saw this peeking through.....

AHHHHHHH IT'S A COLLAR BONE!!!!!!!!
It's amazing how something so small can make me so happy. Now, of course I'm exaggerating it in the picture above, but it's starting to show through even when I'm just standing or sitting still...yayyy! Here's me proving it to you...

It's not too obvious yet, but it's there!! haha. Also, I'm finally starting to get my hourglass figure back. When I was thin I had the most amazing hourglass shape, but as I gained weight, I slowly but surely lost my shape....and just turned into, well, shapes. haha. But my body is starting to take form again...finally!
Here's me from the side...

not too shabby....still have the love handles goin' on but hey, they're a hell of a lot better than they were.
All in all I'm very happy with the results I'm seeing so far...I've decided that every time I lose 20lbs, I'll add my "before" picture with my post so you guys can see my progress a bit easier.
Before....BLOBBBBBB

Now...getting there!!!

All smiles!!! :) Until next time everyone...

off-schedule weigh-in, and more:

2010-03-24T10:20:00.004-04:00

March 24, 2010

Current weight: 235 lbs
Total lbs lost: 19
Mood: happy

Hey everyone! Since things were a bit thrown off this past Sunday, I am weighing in today. I stepped on the scale, and it said 235 baby!!! I've FINALLYYYY broken away from my plateau of bouncing up and down between 238-242 lbs. It's about time!!! Hopefully the weight just kinda melts off now.. haha (wouldn't that be nice, huh?) But, you know what I mean...hopefully I don't plateau again. But regardless, steady progression is all that matters.

Pic of the day:

One of my roommates and I this weekend at a party. I'm ALMOST not self conscious to get my picture taken next to her anymore... (the theme was a rave, so that's why we're wearing glow stick earrings and bracelets haha .. I also blurred her face because I don't have her permission to put this up for the whole world to potentially see)

one thing...check out my HUGE arms compared to her...and also my HUGE and puffy jaw-line and cheeks...and don't forget those stubby little legs...yuck. BUT, this is still progress and I know (hope) that one day I'll be just as rockin as she is :)

OK...a few hours after I posted this, I was feeling bad about my arms and face...but then i looked through some old pics and saw this pic of me at a party in December (just about 4 months ago) b4 I lost any weight...

What I realized while looking through old pictures of me was...although it's me in both pictures, it's not the same girl. I was so ashamed of myself and never felt worth anything special before I embarked on this journey. And, while some of my changes have been physical, the biggest changes I've seen are within. I know I can do this, because I can finally say I believe in myself and feel worth looking beautiful. Also, physical changes alone...those pants I'm wearing in this picture are the pants from my "fat pants" post. The size 22's that I was spilling out of... and the pants above are my size 16's. So, I shouldn't be so hard on myself...right?

Anyway....

Here's some inspiration of the week:

Britt Nicole's song "Walk on the Water"
This song (in my eyes) can be so inspirational for a weight-loss journey...take a listen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7R3K0sqgfvM
Hopefully this song reaches you the way it reached me.

Happy dieting/exercising everyone!!
Until next time...

weigh-in delay:

2010-03-21T15:45:00.002-04:00

Hey guys! I'm not weighing in today. It's that time of the month and I'm obviously bloated so I don't want to step on the scale and upset myself. Instead, I'm weighing in on Wednesday. Wish me luck!

still sad...but here are the promised size 22-16 pant pics

2010-03-15T11:06:00.008-04:00

Hey everyone, if you read my last post, then you know what's going on and why I'm so upset...but upset or not, I promised pictures...so here they are.

my size 22 jeans....these used to be tight on me in the legs and even around the smallest part of my waist...now, they're hanging on me

HUGE!!!!

Adios size 22!!! I hope I NEVER see you again!

new clothes! size 16 jeans :)

size 16...backside.

new clothes...again. GREAT SUCCESS

new colored contacts. the night of my date.... being silly.

while I was still happy and waiting for my date to pick me up.

Although I'm not smiling much today, I really do have a great support group I have the greatest family, amazing friends, and of course all of you. I know I'll get through this...just another bump in the road. Until next week...

what doesn't kill us makes us stronger...right?

2010-03-15T00:53:00.002-04:00

March 15, 2010

Current weight: 238 lbs
Total lbs lost: 16
Mood: sad

Hey guys, I'm just gonna say this right away...I'm really sad and had a really bad day which is why this post is so late. I arrived back from spring break a couple of nights ago and have been having some bad luck I guess... First thing's first: I gained two lbs over break...yuck. Aside from that, I have a lot going on. Here goes....
A while ago, I met this guy at a party and he got my number. He was very drunk at the time, so I didn't really think much would come of it, but last Thursday night he texted me. I was really happy about it because it has been a while since that has happened to me. I didn't tell anyone because I always jinx it...so, I kept it to myself. Anyway, we continued texting the entire time I was on break and decided to go out once break was over. For a while, I was super nervous about meeting up with him and didn't know what he would think of me once he saw me again...sober. I was hoping I would live up to the girl he remembered meeting. But after a while of talking, he rested my thoughts and made me feel like everything would be ok. So, Saturday night we made plans to go to dinner. Before he got to my apartment, my nerves were racing but as soon as he picked me up and I got in the car, my nerves were totally calm again. Dinner went great and we had really amazing conversations. He was a perfect gentleman, paid for dinner, even opened my car door for me, a really sweet guy... Once we got back in the car he asked me if I wanted to do anything else. We tossed around a few ideas and decided to rent a movie and watch it at my place. Everything continued to go well and it was nice to know he wasn't just scamming on me. He remained a perfect gentleman and hugged me when he left and as he shut the door said "text me". So, I must not have totally scared him away since he asked to hang out after dinner, came back to my place, hugged me, and told me to text him...Good date right? Well, I guess not....
Today, for some reason, I was feeling a bit insecure about everything. I texted him the usual "hey, how's ur day going?"... typical response, but then the conversation continued... I asked him how he felt about last night and he said he had a great time etc. etc. ...things quickly started to feel like a polite blow-off, so I asked him how he honestly felt about me and if he was into me... and he said "I wasn't to be honest with u ..." etc. I started to panic and said "do u mind me asking why?" he didn't reply for about 30 min...so naturally, what does every fat girl automatically assume? It's their weight. Especially since he was drunk when he first met me, I assumed he probably didn't remember what I REALLY looked like...so, as it turned out, I asked the kiss of death question. After not hearing back from him for a while, I said "it's because of my weight isn't it?" He replied "yea it is I'm sorry, but why say something? I don't want u to leave me alone, but now I know u will.." I started to cry instantly but asked more...I said "Was it just that or did u not like my personality either?" I guess it would have stung a lot less if he just didn't click with me in general... but he replied "no, ur great. If I didn't like ur personality I wouldn't have rented that movie and watched it at ur place. When we left dinner I could have said I didn't wanna hang" So I pushed even further...(self torturer I guess) I asked "so, the only thing was my weight then?" He said "yea" ...and that was all it took... It broke me.
I've been crying all night and I'm just so disappointed. Not with myself, or him (if he doesn't like me - fine) but I'm just upset with mankind and my generation. Why is there so much pressure on girls to be thin? Why can't we all feel beautiful and accepted just the way we are? If I have a great personality then why does my weight disqualify me from being worthy of love...or even a second date? I know there's the saying "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" but lately, I'm starting to think that's just a load of shit...

The hard work pays off...FINALLY

2010-03-07T08:23:00.002-05:00

March 07, 2010

Current weight: 236 lbs
Total lbs lost: 18
Mood: HAPPY :)

Hey everyone! Can we believe it's already MARCH??? Oh where does the time go? Anywho, this post is not just a typical weigh-in...but more like a "check-in". This week I am home on Spring Break so I'm facing some irregularity. I weighed myself on Friday before I left school and the scale said 236. So, as of Friday that's my official weight! WHOOO :) BUT, I have even better news...my pants don't fit me anymore!!!! YAY! Before I started losing weight, I was BARELY fitting into a size 22. YUCKY. Anyway, lately my pants have been feeling pretty baggy on me, but I hadn't really thought too much about it so I was wearing them as normal. But on Friday when my mom came to pick me up at school she kept saying how she couldn't get over how noticeable my weight-loss was and how big my pants were on me. This made me more aware of how big they really were but I guess I was just not giving myself the credit yet. Yesterday though, we came to visit the rest of our family and they all said the same things. My sister even referred to my pants as "potato sacks" haha. So, this got me thinking "ok, MAYBE it's time for new clothes...and maybe for the first time in a long time I won't feel suicidal in the fitting room" ...Well, they all were right! I first entered the fitting room with 4 pairs of jeans all in a size 20, thinking they would be tight. But then, the unexpected happened...they were TOO BIG. I thought to myself "Wait a minute...are these mis-marked? It must be a defective pair of pants. So, on to the next pair" ...well, guess what...they were also too big..."WHAT?! ok, ok, one more try". Well, THEY WERE ALL TOO BIG! And I'm not talking just kinda big...really big. So, after about a half of an hour of exchanging sizes in disbelief, guess what size pants I ended up having to get....*drum roll please* I got one pair in an 18 and the other in a 16!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The last time I was able to fit into a size 16 (and actually wear them in public) was when I graduated from high-school. Also, guess what size dress I tried on but didn't buy because I'm still a little too heavy for it...but regardless, I got it on...a 14! I was literally jumping up and down and doing a happy-dance in the fitting room. It took everything in me to refrain from screaming in pure-giddy excitement. I'm so happy and finally starting to see some major results. Pictures of me in my "fat-pants" and new so-called "skinny" jeans will be posted soon for comparison! Stay tuned :)

Another weigh-in/picture update

2010-02-28T18:14:00.007-05:00

February 28, 2010

Current weight: 238 lbs
Total lbs lost: 16
Mood: ok

Hey guys...I have both good and bad news to report. The bad news is: I'm up a pound from my last official weigh-in. But the good news is: (after the other week where I went from losing 1 lb taking me down to 236 but then re-gaining 10.5 lbs taking me back up to 246.5 as a result of some bloating and not following my diet routine) I managed to officially lose and keep off 8.5 of those lbs from doing the cleanse even after this weekend of intense partying and poor eating. So, as much as I could be upset about the 1 lb gain since a few weeks ago...if I look at my entire history in the middle...I'd say I did fairly well getting most of what I gained back off. So that's it for my weigh-in. Now for some fun stuff: I had a great weekend! Everyone was all decked out in green and it was a blast! Here are some overdue pics from this weekend: Look at all that GREEN :)

Getting ready to go out with some crazy green makeup!!

Body update:

All ready and all smiles :)

Off of the cleanse!

2010-02-26T19:53:00.003-05:00

February 26, 2010

Hey guys...I know this post may be unexpected since just a few hours ago I reported that things were going well...BUT I took a nap today and after I woke up and got out of bed I got really dizzy and started feeling like I was going to get sick and I had to stabilize myself on my dresser because I felt like I was going to pass out...NO GOOD. So, as I promised myself and all of you...if anything even remotely went wrong I would stop the cleanse. So, true to my word...I've stopped and ate a sandwich and carrots and I feel much better. This detox is clearly not for everyone and I think it was just way too drastic for my body to handle just yet. That's about all. But today I am weighing in at 237 but hopefully by Sunday I'll be 235 :)

Day 4 on the cleanse

2010-02-26T11:06:00.001-05:00

February 26, 2010

Well I've made it to my fourth day on the cleanse and things are still going great! My weight is back to 237!! WHOOO :) I'll weigh-in again Sunday. I'd be absolutely thrilled if I can get down to 235 by then. fingers crossed xx

Some inspiration until then:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LJPHKfnmRk

Day 3 on the cleanse

2010-02-25T14:38:00.002-05:00

February 25, 2010

Well, I've survived my first two days of the cleanse and managed to make it through all the cravings!!! I don't know where all of this willpower came from...but I'm liking it! So far I've lost 3 lbs and I'm starting to feel great. My back pain has reduced significantly and I'm less achy. So far things are going great. I even managed to make it through the dance club sober last night and still had a blast with the girls...tomorrow and Saturday will be the ultimate test though. Wish me luck!

Day 2 on the cleanse

2010-02-24T15:16:00.003-05:00

February 24, 2010

Hey guys! Today is my second day on the cleanse and I am feeling great. My hair and skin already have much more of a glow and throughout the day I don't feel hungry at all. I actually feel the opposite because after consuming all that liquid I feel very full. So far, my energy level is about the same but I'm eager to see how that changes. Of course there are downsides, for example last night (which everyone says the first night is the hardest) even though I wasn't hungry, all I could think of was how badly I wanted to chew on something...but, I didn't. I made it through the night and those cravings are gone ... for now anyway. Also, I know I've mentioned this before, but a lot of partying goes on at Penn State. #1 party school in the country. We're so into partying that we even made up our own "alcoholiday" ... STATE Patty's Day. In other words, just an excuse to party and celebrate the biggest drinking holiday twice. And...it's this weekend. If I can get through this weekend sober and stick to my cleanse, then I can get through anything....so wish me luck! On that note, I'm going out to a dance club with my girlfriends tonight so that should be a bit of a trial run as to how this weekend will go since I'll probably be the only sober one at the club...but regardless, I'm excited for a night out with the girls. Well, that's about all...so far everything is going great and I'm seeing results already!

Master cleanse day 1

2010-02-23T16:44:00.002-05:00

February 23, 2010

Hey everybody! As the title states, today is my first day on the master cleanse. It would have been yesterday, but I made a couple boo-boos at the store. Instead of buying organic maple syrup, I bought organic honey...don't ask. Also, even though the directions CLEARLY state not to use concentrated lemon juice...that's what I bought. I realized my mistake after a few drinks of it yesterday so I went to the store today to fix my mistakes and I finally have all of the right ingredients! That being said, today is my first official day of the cleanse! It's about 5:00pm and I don't feel too hungry yet. Surprisingly enough the drinks really do fill me up and taste great.. just like lemonade. For those of you wondering or concerned, I am making sure to consume at least 1200 calories a day. Each serving is about 110 calories and I know it says to drink it six times a day but what I didn't realize is that's the minimum ... the maximum is 12 servings a day so that's what I'm sticking to. Anyway, I weighed myself today and I am down 1lb since yesterday but I'm still heavier than I should be due to the same issues I talked about in the post about skipping my weigh-in. Regardless though, 1lb loss since yesterday is great. Hopefully everything goes smoothly and I'll see great results. Until tomorrow...

Master Cleanse:

2010-02-22T11:27:00.002-05:00

February 22, 2010

Hey everybody! I am happy to say that since yesterday I have dropped four pounds in bloat and should be back to my actual weight in no time. That being said, I have been quite frustrated with my weight loss results for the past few weeks. I feel like I have been at a stand-still and my weight is now starting to yo-yo up and down...not good. Steady loss (even if slow) I would be happy, but yo-yoing ... not happy. So, I decided today to do things a little differently to "re"-jump-start my weight-loss. I don't know how many of you have heard of the Master Cleanse but that's what I'm going to be doing. Some of you may also know this as The Lemonade Diet. What it is: a strict liquid diet consisting of:

single serving:
2 tablespoons of lemon juice (or half a lemon)
2 tablespoons of organic Grade B maple syrup
1/10 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
10 ounces of water

daily serving:
drink this six times a day and also increase your water intake

You don't eat any solid foods...just drink this and water. How does it taste?? When this is all mixed together it really tastes just like lemonade!!! The cleanse takes 10 days and in those 10 days you'll rid your body of all harmful toxins. (a lot of celebrities do this cleanse because it's a great way to get healthy skin and increase your energy level) However, if you want to do this for weight-loss purposes, people typically extend the cleanse for a total of 40 days. It's a beneficial toxin cleanse as well as a way to jump start weight-loss so I figured it would be something good to try. After all, if it will give me more energy I'll pretty much do anything!

All of that being said I'll still be weighing in every Sunday but will be trying my best to blog as close to everyday as possible to keep you all informed on how I'm doing and if I would recommend it. Consider me your guinea pig haha!

SKIPPING MY WEIGH-IN

2010-02-21T13:03:00.002-05:00

February 21, 2010

Hey everyone. As the title states, I'm SKIPPING this week's weigh-in. Here's why...(warning: t.m.i.) I don't know about any of you other women out there, but when that time of the month comes, I easily pack on the pounds due to bloating and stress. I know, this may seem like an excuse...so let me explain further. This entire week I've been doing STELLAR with my diet and exercise. No questions asked...best dieting week I've had so far. (I promise) BUT within the past two days, I've had a little visit from mother nature...and I always bloat towards the beginning of that visit. So, anyways on Thursday (before mother nature dropped by) I stepped on the scale to check my progress and it said 236 ....good. BUT last night I got on the scale again to check my progress and BAM! ...the scale said 246.5!!! NO WAY! There's absolutely no way in hell that I GAINED 10.5 lbs in two days when I've been doing awesome...HELL NO! I am finally noticing the weight-loss in EVERYTHING...my clothes, when I work out, when I wrap myself in a towel after showering, and even things like when I sit in my METAL computer chair (something that doesn't stretch out, and therefore can't lie to me or be a mistake)...everything feels different so I KNOW this infamous 246.5 weigh in is due to my monthly situation. So, with all of that being said...this weigh-in is officially SKIPPED!

Belated Weigh-in

2010-02-15T14:45:00.002-05:00

February 15, 2010

Current weight: 237 lbs
Total lbs lost: 17
Mood: ok

Hey everyone! Sorry I didn't weigh-in on Sunday like I do every week. I was out of town all weekend spending time with my family and going with my sister to see her wedding dress and venue. All very exciting but I didn't get home until very late last night so I went straight to bed. Which means my weigh-in is a day late but will be back on it's regular schedule next week. As of this morning the scale said 237. At one point last week it bounced between 235 and 236 but I'm not surprised that it's back up to 237 this morning with the way I was eating this weekend. I ate out every day and had no access to the gym. Also, yesterday at my sister's wedding venue they had a buffet and yummy samples everywhere including a chocolate fountain which I enjoyed way too much of...ooops. So, after doing all of that damage, seeing any weight loss is encouraging although I'm still a little bit upset with myself for devouring as much as I did. But, oh well. It's done, and I'm back on track today. And although my diet activity wasn't exactly stellar this weekend, it was great to see my family and have a break from school. Plus, none of them have seen me since I started losing weight so they all got to see the jump from 254 to 237 lbs so it was nice to hear how much they were able to notice the difference. I'm not posting pictures this week simply because I don't look any different than I did in my last round of photos. Hopefully by next week that will change :) Until next time...

Breaking Even:

2010-02-07T19:14:00.002-05:00

February 7, 2010

Current weight: 239 lbs
Total lbs lost: 15
Mood: irritated

Well it's been another week and I didn't lose any weight. I'm so frustrated because I've been doing EVERYTHING right. Furthermore, I've increased my workouts by about 50% ... and still, nothing. It's so irritating when you don't see your hard work paying off. I feel like I've been at a stand still with my weight for a few weeks now. The first week alone I lost 10lbs so in the last 4weeks I only lost 5?? Seriously?? Uggghhh. So discouraged. Pictures next week. Hopefully by then I will have more of a weight-loss to show off. Until next time...

Know your number:

2010-02-04T13:41:00.003-05:00

February 4, 2010

Mood: absolutely crushed

As all of you know by now, I've been attempting to lose weight. Being in college with junk food and parties all the time makes that difficult but occasionally there are benefits to being a student when it comes to losing weight. For example: gym membership (within a walking distance) and fitness classes through the university. This semester I decided to take one of the fitness classes to force myself to stay on track with my weight-loss. Two days a week we meet for an hour and fifteen minutes to workout and one day a week we meet for lecture where we learn the benefits of working out and body functions etc. In that class we are required to take two fitness assessments throughout the semester. We have to take one at the beginning of the semester and then one about halfway through to track our progress. I took my first test today and all I want to do is cry. Here are my results: (note: these are all of the normal results for WOMEN)

Normal resting heart rate: 60-90 beats per minute
My results: 98 (bad)

Normal resting blood pressure: 120/80
My results: 126/84 (bad)

Normal body fat percentage for women: 14-25%
My results: 41.1% (very bad)

Normal flexibility sit and reach test for women: 19 inches
My results: 22.5 inches (good)

Normal leg dynamometry for females: 62-79 kg
My results: 100 kg (very good)

Normal sit-up/min for women: 38
My results: 6 (very bad)

Normal one minute push-up test: 15-20
My results: 16 (ok)

Normal submaximal bike test for women under the age of 25: 36-40
My results: 20.4 (bad)

A part of me is glad that even at my weight I am able to produce some results within and even beyond targeted outcomes but it's very hard to say that I'm even remotely proud of myself when a resting heart rate of 98, resting blood pressure of 126/84, and percentage of body fat at 41.1% are all jumping off the page. Needless to say, I'm very upset and can't stop crying. I know I'm reversing it now, but I had no idea I was THAT unhealthy...and it's scary.

pound for pound challenge:

2010-02-03T12:03:00.003-05:00

February 3, 2010

Hey everyone! Like a lot of overweight Americans, I love watching The Biggest Loser. I never miss an episode and I usually end up crying an average of two times every episode because their struggles hit so close to home. This year though, I'm actually losing weight rather than previous seasons where I'd be watching it with a bowl of ice cream or bag of potato chips thinking to myself "I should really lose weight". On top of that, it's really great to give back and volunteer so any opportunity I get I really try to take. This season, The Biggest Loser has been advertising the "pound for pound challenge". For every pound you pledge to lose, 14 cents is donated to Feeding America which is enough to deliver a pound of groceries to a local food bank. So, last night while I was watching the show, I went to the website and pledged to lose 50 lbs (I would have pledged my remaining 65 lbs but 50 is the highest pledge you can make). It felt amazing when I hit submit. Knowing that I'll not only be getting my life back on track, but that I'm helping someone else is a great feeling. 3,818,195 lbs have been pledged so far. Here's the link if any of you would like to join in to fight obesity AND hunger. (it's FREE to pledge) Good luck!! Go to: http://www.biggestloser.com/ Then: click on the Pound for Pound Challenge tab on the right hand side of the page.

Ashley

photos don't lie...poses do:

2010-02-01T11:16:00.004-05:00

February 1, 2010

Ok, let's face it...as we get fatter, we learn all the tricks of how to hide how big we really are in photos. We literally learn every trick in the book. Stand slightly sideways, ALWAYS suck in the stomach, stand slightly behind someone so they hide half of our fatness (like those good old fashioned cheesy prom poses), elongate our necks to hide our double (or even triple) chins, slightly raise your arms so they don't look as squished in the armpit area, hunch the back just a tad while stiffening our shoulders to give the illusion that we still have visible collar bones, etc. You get the point. You'll probably even see some of these tricks in my weigh in photos. As promised, I'm not sucking in my stomach in any of my pics for honest weight-loss tracking, but I've learned the tricks so well and have become so calculated at doing them that I don't even realize it when I do them. It has become normal to me.. BUT what happens when we're caught off guard and are defenseless to the camera? UH OH! ...when we finally see that predestined infamous photo of ourselves, we not only get disgusted and embarrassed but we enter a state of shock... you know what state I'm talking about. The state where we absolutely deny the proof and come up with the excuse where we say to ourselves, "I'm not THAT big". But, we are. So, that brings me to this picture... At a party this weekend my friend snapped this picture of me while I was kneeling in a circle of friends around my bedroom floor...I had almost no time to react other than to hurry up and make a funny face to disguise my double chin just a tad...but my body...DEFENSELESS. I look like a blob. Not even a shapely blob...just a big blob. Happy about it? NO. But I want to be honest and real with everyone and is this my reality? YES. (it was a themed birthday party "G.I. Joes and Army Hoes" so that's why I look the way I do)

Week 5

2010-01-31T21:18:00.003-05:00

January 31, 2010

Current weight: 239 lbs
Total lbs lost: 15
Mood: accomplished

Hey everyone!! It's the moment of truth, and I'm pleased to report that I lost another 3 lbs this week bringing my grand total to -15 lbs in just 4 weeks!!! Awesome? I think so! It's strange to be back in the 230's because the last time I was in the 30's it was 2 years ago when I was a freshman. I'm so excited to be getting closer and closer to my goal. I will admit that cravings are starting to really set in, but I have been doing pretty well with avoiding them. Anyway, I'm proud of myself and am eager to go all the way! Below are two pictures of me tonight (at 239 lbs) and the one of me in the blue dress is my first motivational goal pic. The picture was taken at my high school graduation party (weighing 198 lbs) Blue dress...look out, I'm coming for you!!!

Turning Point... I want my life back!

2010-01-28T11:31:00.003-05:00

January 28, 2010

Mood: unstoppable

I don't know what's different about today, but something has changed within me. For years I've been disappointed in the person I was becoming but couldn't find the strength to change it. I had completely given up on myself and I was just sitting around waiting for things to get better on their own. But what I learned was that life doesn't wait for us to get back on our feet. And the longer we stay sitting down, life passes us by. There are so many things that I've missed out on because of my weight. When I was little I was always dancing, and I loved it. I loved being on stage and performing. It was such a rush and even when all eyes are on you, it feels like nobody's watching. The rest of the world just gets kinda hazy and it's just you and the stage. In ninth grade though I made the decision to stop dancing so I could cheerlead instead, but I've always dreamed of going back. The only thing stopping me is my weight. Aside from that, I've missed out on a lot with my family. Throughout the past five years (where I went from weighing 136lbs to around 270lbs at my heaviest...all at 5'7" by the way) my family stood by me. They've always been there for me, but I haven't always been there for them. I have an amazing relationship with my family, but through this weight-gain I lost myself, and they all lost me too. I don't do the things I used to do. I used to always be so happy and fun to be around. My mom always told me how I'd light up a room when I walked in. My grandparents always said that I was wise beyond my years and people couldn't help but be drawn to me. My younger cousin Jen always looked up to me and emulated the things I did but lately we've grown apart and I know it's my fault. I haven't given her a very good role model. I feel like I embarrass my older cousin Steven. Don't get me wrong, he never does anything to make me feel uncomfortable and he's really great to me. He's more like a big brother than a cousin. But let's face it, what guy wants to introduce his 200+lbs "little" cousin to his friends? I love my aunt and uncle, but for some reason I get really timid around them because of my weight. Maybe because I feel like I'm a bad influence on their kids because I'm so fat...I don't really know, but I do know that my weight has stopped me from opening up to them as much as I'd like. With my grandparents, they praise me no matter how much I weigh... they're my biggest cheerleaders. I just wish I felt the same way about myself as they do. I can remember my breaking point exactly with my grandparents. It was over this holiday season very shortly after I decided to lose this weight. I was sitting on the couch and my grandma was in the chair next to me. She looked over at me and told me how beautiful I was. I just kinda smirked and shrugged it off. She took my hand and made me look at her, and repeated it. I kinda shook my head "no" and then she asked me "Don't you know how beautiful you are? Inside and out." She told me how she sometimes catches herself staring at me because I'm such a beautiful person and that people are just drawn to me. I started crying. One, because what she said was so nice and touching, but also because I don't feel that way about myself. I think I'm ugly and that no one will ever be able to see past my weight. In a way, my weight defines the way I view myself... and I'm sick of it. I wanna feel beautiful, and I wanna be proud of myself. I have two sisters, and I'm in the middle. One is 22 and the other just turned 9. I've always looked up to my older sister and wanted to be just like her. She has always been the smart, thin and pretty one. She just got engaged on Christmas and that's partially why I want to lose the weight. I don't want to be a fat maid of honor, because let's face it, one fattie in the picture throws off the whole aesthetics of the wedding...and I don't wanna ruin her day because I'm too self conscious about my body to enjoy myself. On that note, I don't want to go stag. I want to have a date. But as it stands, I don't know what it feels like for a guy to ask me on a date, or even for my phone number. I've always been the one to ask...and I'm sick of it. I want guys to chase me...not the other way around. As far as my little sister goes, I wanna be able to play with her while she's still young. I want to be an active part of her childhood. Not the sister who's too fat to get into a bathing suit and have fun with her at the water park, of the one who's too fat to jump on the trampoline with her...or the one who's too self conscious to go do something fun in public because "what if someone I know sees me and sees how fat I got?". I'm fed up with all of those excuses. I want to be her role model...not an example of what she doesn't want to "end up like". Finally, there's my mom...my best friend, and my entire foundation of support. Like me, she's currently struggling with her weight and working at losing it. She's always had this way of making everything better. I tell her everything and I would truly be lost without her. But over the past few years I've caused her a lot of stress. I'm miserable with my weight, and they say "we hurt the people we care about most" so naturally, she's gotten the brunt of a lot of my frustration with myself. I appreciate her so much and I'm determined to let her see me happy again. I want her to be proud of me, and I want to be proud of myself.
With all of this said, today was a wake-up call. I'm done wasting my life being fat and unhappy. I can't change the past...but I can learn from it and use it as my motivation to change my future. My next weigh-in is on Sunday (and I have a good feeling about this one). Good luck to everyone else going through the same struggle. It's very difficult to lose weight but I hope that some of what I said gives you a bit of inspiration to go out and tackle the world. And after all, the saying goes that "You don't realize how strong a person really is until you see them at their weakest moment" So, let today motivate your tomorrow. Get your life back on track and conquer the scale! I know you can do it!!

I'll leave you all with some words of inspiration.

David Viscott
"You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be." AND
"You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there."

Watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ1BdMtw_Q

Happy dieting everyone!
Ashley

Week 4:

2010-01-24T06:58:00.002-05:00

January 24, 2010

Current weight: 242 lbs
Total lbs lost: 12
Mood: indifferent

Well it has been 3 full weeks and so far I've lost 12 lbs. While I know that's great, I can't help but hope for faster results. Additionally, I did something really stupid last night. It was my friend's 21st birthday party that we hosted for her at our apartment. All week I had been doing great with my diet and exercise so I told myself I wasn't going to drink that much so I wouldn't ruin any of my progress. However, as the night went on, I went a little overboard with my drinking which led to late night eating. At about 3:00 am I downed a microwavable spaghetti dish and like 1/4 a bag of tortilla chips and salsa...not one of my best decisions. Keep in mind, this happened only about 4 hours ago. I feel like I've lost more than 2 lbs this week but because of my heavy eating and drinking so close to my weigh-in, that may have effected the results. But, either way... 2 lbs lost is 2 lbs in the right direction. Tune in next Sunday for my weigh-in and every two week photo update.

Emotional ups and downs:

2010-01-21T17:29:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone, this post is not directly related to my weight loss, but more so about my emotions throughout this process. For the first week I was feeling unstoppable but lately I've been feeling really down on myself and a sense of confusion although I don't know what about. Normally when I'm feeling this way, that would be the time when I'd pig out and mindlessly eat, but since I am stopping that behavior I don't know what to do when I feel these ways, and that forces me to actually feel my emotions rather than just shoving them down with food. I feel sad, angry, worthless, let down, confused, and hurt all rolled into one. I know that a lot of these emotions are ones that I have pushed away for so many years because I didn't want to feel them. But now, since I'm controlling my diet (which is how i used to shield my emotions) I am finally feeling the things I haven't felt for years because this is the first time I'm allowing them to surface. It's overwhelming.
On a side note, I feel horrible about something. The other day my roommate asked me if I wanted to go to a class with her at the gym called "killer abs". I told her no because I wasn't quite ready for that and that classes like that intimidate me especially because I know I'll be the fattest one there. She didn't say anything back, and I haven't talked to her since. (not on purpose, we just haven't seen each other) I know she doesn't understand what I'm going through, but I can't make her understand. It's embarrassing and my weight has inhibited me for so long that I don't know how to not make it an issue. I know that I probably should have gone, and if anyone made fun of me for being there or gave me weird looks, then the hell with them, but I can't get over my insecurities. My self image is so low and I know I let others control the way I feel about myself. I am trying to work on it, but I don't quite know where to start. Until next time...

Workouts:

2010-01-19T22:50:00.004-05:00

January 19, 2010

Mood: craving a damn cookie

As I stated in my week 3 post, I had been slacking with my diet and exercise routine. So, today I started a 6 week workout plan using my Biggest Loser Workout DVD. Let me just say...HOLY CRAP I'm out of shape!!! I did my first workout just about an hour ago and the "low intensity cardio" was INSANELY difficult for me. I could only do about 70% of what they were doing and even the 70% of what I could do wasn't pretty. I'm curious to see how much more of it I can do after the first week, so I'll keep you guys updated as I go. Diet wise, I have already been doing much better however I am starting to have cravings for cookies...random, I know. Well, that's about all for now, I'll talk to you all again when I weigh in on Sunday. Wish me luck!!

244 lbs picture update:

2010-01-18T22:18:00.003-05:00

Here are three pictures of me at 244lbs. One is a candid that my friend took of me at a party a couple of days ago and the other two are ones that I took this evening. Normally when I take pictures of myself I always suck in my stomach but for an honest weight loss record, I am not sucking in or hiding any of my problem areas. I can't wait until I'm not afraid to be in pictures anymore!! :)

Week 3

2010-01-17T21:57:00.003-05:00

January 17, 2010

Current weight: 244 lbs
Total lbs lost: 10
Mood: a little upset but won't give up

Ok, so I had a bad week. I got a bit too excited getting back to school, seeing all of my friends, and drinking at parties. On top of that, I was so excited that I lost 10lbs last week and celebrated a bit too soon...so, I haven't really stuck to my diet or exercise plan at all this past week and therefore, I lost nothing. But, I didn't gain either so I'm trying to focus on that. I currently still weigh 244 and have lost 10lbs total. However, I am PROMISING myself that this week will be better, and I'm hoping to lose at least another 5lbs to make up for this past week. It's kind of late and I totally forgot to take a picture today so I'll upload one tomorrow. Until then...

Week 2

2010-01-10T16:30:00.003-05:00

(the picture above is one of the dinners I made for myself. zucchini and blue cheese pork chop. 350 calories and VERY tasty. post a comment if you'd like the recipe.)

January 10, 2010

Current weight: 244 lbs
Total lbs lost: 10
Mood: encouraged

It's been a week since I've started my diet and I am happy to say that I've lost 10lbs so far!!! I haven't noticed much of a change in the way my clothing fits yet but I've already been getting comments from people telling me I look like I've lost weight, so people are starting to notice! So far the dieting has been pretty easy. No insane cravings yet... I've been cooking for myself and I have to say, not only has it been healthier and just as satisfying, it has been quite fun and I'm enjoying experimenting with different foods. So far, my workout plan has been postponed a bit so unfortunately I haven't started working out yet but my gym membership starts tomorrow. Hopefully once I start working out it will help me continue to shed even more weight. I'm very happy with my results so far. Stay tuned for a photo update next week!

New Beginnings:

2010-01-04T08:33:00.002-05:00

January 4, 2010
Mood: motivated

You know the saying "out with the old, in with the new"? Well, that just about sums up what I'm aiming to do: kick my old habits and replace them with new and healthy ones. But before I can do that, I have to sort through the old, and plan for the new. So, here goes...

OLD DIET:
Before I gave myself this challenge, my diet was extremely unhealthy. Regularly, I almost never ate breakfast but would be ravenous by the end of the night leading to a lot of unhealthy late-night eating (plenty of my nights consisted of emptying ben and jerry's containers and bags of potato chips while watching t.v. at 1:00 am -- healthy right??) Also, I'm a college student...but not just any college student, I'm a Penn State student...and what school was just voted the number one party shool by the Princeton Review? Yup, that would be Penn State. So what does that mean? BEER...and lots of it! I would never even think twice about attending anywhere from one to four parties per week and drinking at least ten beers while I was there, and then I'd come home and order pizza...and eat the ENTIRE THING! Also, I almost never drank water. Instead, my main liquid intake consisted of diet pepsi and sugarfree rockstar. On top of all of that, I almost NEVER cooked for myself. Instead, I went for the "easier" approach by always going to the dining commons on campus and grabbing whatever I wanted. But since someone else was making my food for me...who knows how many calories I was consuming daily.. I can imagine I was eating anywhere from 3,000 to 5,000 a day!!! It's no wonder I have fat rolls and stretch marks galore! ...gross!

OLD EXERCISE ROUTINE:
Well, I don't have much of anything to put here...shocking! My daily "exercise" consisted of walking to class and work (never any farther than a 5-10 minute walk...but it would always take me about 15 minutes on average to walk anywhere because GOD FORBID I actually exerted myself...) And the only other form of exercise I ever got was hiking my fat ass up and down the steps in my apartment (only after I had gotten food) and then proceed to go and plunk myself on my bed where I'd spend the rest of the day sitting there, eating, and watching t.v. ...HOT

Well my friends, it's time to change all of that and for the new me to kick the old me into shape!!!!!!!

NEW DIET GOALS:
Every day: drink lots and lots of water, eat plenty of fresh vegetables, lean protein, and some fruit while reducing my carb and processed food intake.
Weekends: reduce my alcohol intake by at least half, if not more.
It would be stellar if I could: cook for myself at least 5 times a week and eliminate junk food all together (ben and jerry's, potato chips, cookies, candy, etc.)

NEW EXERCISE GOALS:
Start carrying small weights around with me wherever I go (walking to class, work, the gym, etc.)
Go to the gym for at least an hour 5 times a week.
Take an hour walk around campus 3-4 times a week.
Do at least one of the 20 minute "Biggest Loser: The Workout DVD" exercise routines every day.

SO FAR: I am feeling very ambitious and motivated to lose the weight I've been needlessly carrying around with me for years. I feel like nothing can stop me now! I'm never going to waste another day letting my weight control my life. It's time for me to take back the control before my youth passes me by. I don't doubt that it's going to be difficult at times, but every pound lost is a step in a healthy and positive direction! It's time for me to put the past to rest, and keep my eyes on creating a positive future!

Day One...

2010-01-03T07:55:00.002-05:00

January 3, 2010

Current weight: 254 lbs
Total lbs lost: 0
Mood: ambitious

Sick of seeing weight-loss commercials where the before and after models aren't even the same person? Tired of hearing about what pill can make you lose an x number of lbs in an x number of days? Me too!! If you're ready to hear about what it's ACTUALLY like to lose weight the healthy way, then I'm your girl. As it says in the description of my blog (which I'm new at by the way), I am sick and tired of being the fat girl with the "pretty face"!!! I've struggled with my weight for my entire life, and so far, I'm losing the battle. However, with a new year, and a new outlook on life, (and to be quite frank, being totally fed up with my stomach sticking out farther than my chest) I am determined to change all of that, and kick obesity's FAT ass! No pills, no gimmicks, just good old fashioned weight loss through diet and exercise! I am no expert, just an everyday girl who's determined to change her life and invite all of you on my journey. Stay tuned :)